God's Boss Craig

By

Ben Joseph

          TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with
          pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS.
          CRAIG.

          INT. GOD'S OFFICE

          GOD sits quietly typing at his computer. An ANGEL comes in
          and quietly leaves a folder on his desk.

                              GOD
                    Thanks, Ariel, I'll get right on
                    these. God picks up the folder when
                    CRAIG, in a suit with wings, lands
                    on his cloud.

                              CRAIG
                    WHOA! Coming in hot!! SCREECH!
                    Still gettin' the hang of these
                    things, ha.
                         (gets his balance)
                    God-O! J to the Hovah! How's my
                    employee of the Willennium doing?

                              GOD
                    Fine, sir.

                              CRAIG
                    Sir? Please. Who am I, Lancelot?
                    Elton John? Call me Craig.

                              GOD
                    OK, Craig, I was actually just
                    reviewing some prayers, so-

                              CRAIG
                    Brass tacks. Dig it. Heaven's brand
                    profile came in. Know what it said?

                              GOD
                    I do not.

          Craig SNAPS HIS FINGERS. An ANGEL flies up through the
          clouds, sets up an EASEL with a BRAND AWARENESS RATING CHART
          on it. "HEAVEN" is in the middle of a ton of OTHER BRANDS.

                              CRAIG
                    Our brand awareness is WAY down. We
                    scored lower than Kashi and only
                    slightly ahead of Bruce Jenner.

          CLOSE ON EASEL as Craig talks.

                              GOD
                    But way ahead of jai alai and
                    Fanta. So... That's something.

          Craig pushes the easel aside. Steps up to God's desk.

                              CRAIG
                    Are you seriously joshing me right
                    now? This is a non-joshing matter.

                              GOD
                    Come on, this can't be right.
                    Everybody knows about Heaven.

          Craig leans in close.

                              CRAIG
                    Yeah, they know about it. But do
                    they know about it?

                              GOD
                    You emphasized the second know, but
                    I don't- I'm not sure what that
                    means.

                              CRAIG
                    I want a big marketing push for Q4.
                    Something to get the idea of Heaven
                    back out in front of everybody.

                              GOD
                    What, like billboards?

          Craig collapses into a chair in God's office, leans back,
          and puts his feet up on God's desk.

                              CRAIG
                    Small taters. Let's blue sky.
                    Remember that water thing you a
                    while back?

                              GOD
                    The Flood?

          Craig shoots God with dual finger guns.

                              CRAIG
                    Lingo. Love it. Anyway, we do
                    another one of those, put social
                    media on it, maybe get you on the
                    Today Show-

                              GOD
                    That was really just to purge
                    humanity of all its sins. We can't
                    do another one as a PR stunt.

                              CRAIG
                         (backing off)
                    Cool. Cool. I respect your
                    authority in this area. Is that how
                    you really feel?

                              GOD
                    Yes.

          Awkward beat.

                              CRAIG
                    Ah, here's the thing. Was not
                    expecting this much push-back from
                    you. Had a boss moment, already
                    pulled the trigger. Heh, kablam!

          Craig mimes blowing the smoke off a pistol and holstering
          it. God stands up, actually angry.

                              GOD
                    You started another flood?!

                              CRAIG
                    A tiny one! Just to test the waters
                    and ha, wow, that just slipped out.

                              GOD
                    Where did you put this tiny flood?

                              CRAIG
                    Iowa.

          CLOUD SWISH TO: An ocean of flat, placid water full of
          FLOATING DEAD FARMERS. A COW floats by on some wooden
          blanks.

          CLOUD SWISH BACK TO SCENE: God is not happy.
                         CRAIG (CONT'D)
                         (checking his phone)
                    Still, life closes a door, we make
                    lemonade. The blog-o-sphere is
                    going nuts for this thing. Would
                    not be surprised if we got some
                    serious Huffington Post pick-up.

          Ariel enters, soaking wet.

                              ARIEL
                    Sorry, God? We have a serious back-
                    up at intake. A lot of... damp
                    folks just showed up at once.

                              CRAIG
                    Nose meet grindstone, am I right?
                    Keep up the good stuff, you're my
                    number uno!
                         (as he walks away)
                    And let me know if you hear from
                    HuffPo!

          Craig jumps off the cloud. God SIGHS.

          END.