If God exists, why do bad things happen? Craig. A new animated series by CollegeHumor.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS. CRAIG. INT. GOD'S OFFICE GOD sits quietly typing at his computer. An ANGEL comes in and quietly leaves a folder on his desk. GOD Thanks, Ariel, I'll get right on these. God picks up the folder when CRAIG, in a suit with wings, lands on his cloud. CRAIG WHOA! Coming in hot!! SCREECH! Still gettin' the hang of these things, ha. (gets his balance) God-O! J to the Hovah! How's my employee of the Willennium doing? GOD Fine, sir. CRAIG Sir? Please. Who am I, Lancelot? Elton John? Call me Craig. GOD OK, Craig, I was actually just reviewing some prayers, so- CRAIG Brass tacks. Dig it. Heaven's brand profile came in. Know what it said? GOD I do not. Craig SNAPS HIS FINGERS. An ANGEL flies up through the clouds, sets up an EASEL with a BRAND AWARENESS RATING CHART on it. "HEAVEN" is in the middle of a ton of OTHER BRANDS. CRAIG Our brand awareness is WAY down. We scored lower than Kashi and only slightly ahead of Bruce Jenner. CLOSE ON EASEL as Craig talks. GOD But way ahead of jai alai and Fanta. So... That's something. Craig pushes the easel aside. Steps up to God's desk. CRAIG Are you seriously joshing me right now? This is a non-joshing matter. GOD Come on, this can't be right. Everybody knows about Heaven. Craig leans in close. CRAIG Yeah, they know about it. But do they know about it? GOD You emphasized the second know, but I don't- I'm not sure what that means. CRAIG I want a big marketing push for Q4. Something to get the idea of Heaven back out in front of everybody. GOD What, like billboards? Craig collapses into a chair in God's office, leans back, and puts his feet up on God's desk. CRAIG Small taters. Let's blue sky. Remember that water thing you a while back? GOD The Flood? Craig shoots God with dual finger guns. CRAIG Lingo. Love it. Anyway, we do another one of those, put social media on it, maybe get you on the Today Show- GOD That was really just to purge humanity of all its sins. We can't do another one as a PR stunt. CRAIG (backing off) Cool. Cool. I respect your authority in this area. Is that how you really feel? GOD Yes. Awkward beat. CRAIG Ah, here's the thing. Was not expecting this much push-back from you. Had a boss moment, already pulled the trigger. Heh, kablam! Craig mimes blowing the smoke off a pistol and holstering it. God stands up, actually angry. GOD You started another flood?! CRAIG A tiny one! Just to test the waters and ha, wow, that just slipped out. GOD Where did you put this tiny flood? CRAIG Iowa. CLOUD SWISH TO: An ocean of flat, placid water full of FLOATING DEAD FARMERS. A COW floats by on some wooden blanks. CLOUD SWISH BACK TO SCENE: God is not happy. CRAIG (CONT'D) (checking his phone) Still, life closes a door, we make lemonade. The blog-o-sphere is going nuts for this thing. Would not be surprised if we got some serious Huffington Post pick-up. Ariel enters, soaking wet. ARIEL Sorry, God? We have a serious back- up at intake. A lot of... damp folks just showed up at once. CRAIG Nose meet grindstone, am I right? Keep up the good stuff, you're my number uno! (as he walks away) And let me know if you hear from HuffPo! Craig jumps off the cloud. God SIGHS. END.