If God exists, why do bad things happen? Craig. A new animated series by CollegeHumor.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with
pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS.
INT. GOD'S OFFICE
GOD sits quietly typing at his computer. An ANGEL comes in
and quietly leaves a folder on his desk.
Thanks, Ariel, I'll get right on
these. God picks up the folder when
CRAIG, in a suit with wings, lands
on his cloud.
WHOA! Coming in hot!! SCREECH!
Still gettin' the hang of these
(gets his balance)
God-O! J to the Hovah! How's my
employee of the Willennium doing?
Sir? Please. Who am I, Lancelot?
Elton John? Call me Craig.
OK, Craig, I was actually just
reviewing some prayers, so-
Brass tacks. Dig it. Heaven's brand
profile came in. Know what it said?
I do not.
Craig SNAPS HIS FINGERS. An ANGEL flies up through the
clouds, sets up an EASEL with a BRAND AWARENESS RATING CHART
on it. "HEAVEN" is in the middle of a ton of OTHER BRANDS.
Our brand awareness is WAY down. We
scored lower than Kashi and only
slightly ahead of Bruce Jenner.
CLOSE ON EASEL as Craig talks.
But way ahead of jai alai and
Fanta. So... That's something.
Craig pushes the easel aside. Steps up to God's desk.
Are you seriously joshing me right
now? This is a non-joshing matter.
Come on, this can't be right.
Everybody knows about Heaven.
Craig leans in close.
Yeah, they know about it. But do
they know about it?
You emphasized the second know, but
I don't- I'm not sure what that
I want a big marketing push for Q4.
Something to get the idea of Heaven
back out in front of everybody.
What, like billboards?
Craig collapses into a chair in God's office, leans back,
and puts his feet up on God's desk.
Small taters. Let's blue sky.
Remember that water thing you a
Craig shoots God with dual finger guns.
Lingo. Love it. Anyway, we do
another one of those, put social
media on it, maybe get you on the
That was really just to purge
humanity of all its sins. We can't
do another one as a PR stunt.
Cool. Cool. I respect your
authority in this area. Is that how
you really feel?
Ah, here's the thing. Was not
expecting this much push-back from
you. Had a boss moment, already
pulled the trigger. Heh, kablam!
Craig mimes blowing the smoke off a pistol and holstering
it. God stands up, actually angry.
You started another flood?!
A tiny one! Just to test the waters
and ha, wow, that just slipped out.
Where did you put this tiny flood?
CLOUD SWISH TO: An ocean of flat, placid water full of
FLOATING DEAD FARMERS. A COW floats by on some wooden
CLOUD SWISH BACK TO SCENE: God is not happy.
(checking his phone)
Still, life closes a door, we make
lemonade. The blog-o-sphere is
going nuts for this thing. Would
not be surprised if we got some
serious Huffington Post pick-up.
Ariel enters, soaking wet.
Sorry, God? We have a serious back-
up at intake. A lot of... damp
folks just showed up at once.
Nose meet grindstone, am I right?
Keep up the good stuff, you're my
(as he walks away)
And let me know if you hear from
Craig jumps off the cloud. God SIGHS.