From CH Staff on
The Dreadcruiser gets a call from the coolest guy in the coldest legion.
By Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels
INT. DREADCRUISER (DREADLORD'S CHAMBER) Dreadlord sticks a wire hanger under his mask and scratches. COMM OFFICER (V.O.) DREADLORD SINISTER! INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE ALPHA FLEET! DREADLORD Alpha Fleet? I can't even express how annoyed I am right now. ARGH! (beat) Eh, that wasn't bad. Patch him through. Wait. (removes hanger) OK. A LARGE SCREEN behind Dreadlord flashes on, introducing SCAREDUKE DEVIOUS, a buff, chill space-conqueror with no shirt and an eye-visor. Think Dreadlord, but way cooler. SCAREDUKE Dreadlord Sinister, hombre! How things be on the DC? DREADLORD (sighs) Scareduke Devious. Let me guess. Your never ending parade of victories continues. SCAREDUKE Negatory maximus. This campaign's a total bust. Six hours and we've only conquered two planets. A pleasant "bing" sounds. SCAREDUKE Wait, scratch that, three planets! We hear some quick, bro-ish cheering from Scareduke's ship. DREADLORD (killing him) Wow. Good... good job. SCAREDUKE Ah! Don't use the "j" word, hombre. This be a passion: cruisin' the galaxy, squashing freedom, racking up bookoo points for the Legion. DREADLORD Yes. Bookoo. What is it you want? Scareduke casually rolls a yellow SPACE JOINT. SCAREDUKE Well we've been picking up some mondo distress calls from y'alls. DREADLORD Distress calls? Not from us. This ship is a well-oiled machine, full of deadly, elite troopers. RICH and LARRY enter. RICH Sir, Larry spilled orange soda on the console and won't clean it up! LARRY Rich won't buy me a new orange soda! RICH Oh my God! Scareduke Devious! (to Larry; sotto) Larry, it's Scareduke. LARRY I know, I noticed him first. RICH Same time? LARRY Agreed. SCAREDUKE Please, guys, call me Deevs. DREADLORD Do not call him Deevs. LARRY Deevs - sorry - I thought you were locked in combat with Torg the Unconquerable. SCAREDUKE Conquered him. Funny story-- DREADLORD ACTUALLY I was just telling Scareduke of your bravery. Surely you've done something- Larry opens a new ORANGE SODA. DREADLORD (dubious) -competent recently. Beat. Rich and Larry aren't sure how to respond. RICH Oh! OK. One time that lizard guy escaped- LARRY -and no one could find him until Rich realized there was one place he could be. RICH At which point Larry spilled his orange soda on the console. And I was like, "Larry, you spilled orange soda on the console." LARRY -and I was like, "Rich, buy me a new orange soda." RICH / LARRY And then we, you know, came here. Dreadlord just stares. SCAREDUKE (reading) Right on. Back to these distress calls: says here you dudes flooded your ship; you were enslaved by Demolkian baboons, 7 months later, wow, you were still baboon slaves; then, after that you ejected all your oxygen. DREADLORD Oxygen AND baboons and I told you those calls weren't from us. SCAREDUKE Wow. Mea culpa, hombre. Lemme make it up to you: we're having a little celebration luau for the six...(BING)...seven planets we conquered if you want to swing by. DREADLORD I would love to, but every day's a celebration over here. An abrasive ALARM goes off on the Dreadcruiser. COMM OFFICER (V.O.) Sorry, sir it's my first day, but there's some sort of lizard monster killing all of us up here. Is that supposed to happen? (listens to O.C.) No? OK, Jeremy says no. The Comm Officer SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. An awkward beat. Dreadlord reaches over and turns off the comm. SCAREDUKE (signals to O.C. guards) Sounds heavy. I'll send some troopers to lock that down for you. DREADLORD No! Do not send help! SCAREDUKE?! ON SCREEN: Scareduke is getting up. STEEL DRUM MUSIC plays. SCAREDUKE Sorry, can't hear you. They're about to crown the limbo king. Someone O.C. tosses Scareduke a gold crown. SCAREDUKE Uh oh! Me? It's me! Aw, you guys! The transmission cuts out. Rich & Larry excitedly murmur about how cool Scareduke is. DL turns to them dramatically. DREADLORD Unbelieveable! Go capture that lizard-man, my... home- home-brays. LARRY Sir, are you trying to talk like Scareduke? DREADLORD What? No! You know you two are my... hhhhome-brays. (awkward beat) JUST GO! They scurry out. Dreadlord tries out a cool gesture. DREADLORD Home-brays. END.