The Dreadcruiser gets a call from the coolest guy in the coldest legion.
By Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels
INT. DREADCRUISER (DREADLORD'S CHAMBER)
Dreadlord sticks a wire hanger under his mask and scratches.
COMM OFFICER (V.O.)
DREADLORD SINISTER! INCOMING
MESSAGE FROM THE ALPHA FLEET!
Alpha Fleet? I can't even express
how annoyed I am right now. ARGH!
Eh, that wasn't bad. Patch him
A LARGE SCREEN behind Dreadlord flashes on, introducing
SCAREDUKE DEVIOUS, a buff, chill space-conqueror with no
shirt and an eye-visor. Think Dreadlord, but way cooler.
Dreadlord Sinister, hombre! How
things be on the DC?
Scareduke Devious. Let me guess.
Your never ending parade of
Negatory maximus. This campaign's a
total bust. Six hours and we've
only conquered two planets.
A pleasant "bing" sounds.
Wait, scratch that, three planets!
We hear some quick, bro-ish cheering from Scareduke's ship.
Wow. Good... good job.
Ah! Don't use the "j" word, hombre.
This be a passion: cruisin' the
galaxy, squashing freedom, racking
up bookoo points for the Legion.
Yes. Bookoo. What is it you want?
Scareduke casually rolls a yellow SPACE JOINT.
Well we've been picking up some
mondo distress calls from y'alls.
Distress calls? Not from us. This
ship is a well-oiled machine, full
of deadly, elite troopers.
RICH and LARRY enter.
Sir, Larry spilled orange soda on
the console and won't clean it up!
Rich won't buy me a new orange
Oh my God! Scareduke Devious!
(to Larry; sotto)
Larry, it's Scareduke.
I know, I noticed him first.
Please, guys, call me Deevs.
Do not call him Deevs.
Deevs - sorry - I thought you were
locked in combat with Torg the
Conquered him. Funny story--
ACTUALLY I was just telling
Scareduke of your bravery. Surely
you've done something-
Larry opens a new ORANGE SODA.
Beat. Rich and Larry aren't sure how to respond.
Oh! OK. One time that lizard guy
-and no one could find him until
Rich realized there was one place
he could be.
At which point Larry spilled his
orange soda on the console. And I
was like, "Larry, you spilled
orange soda on the console."
-and I was like, "Rich, buy me a
new orange soda."
RICH / LARRY
And then we, you know, came here.
Dreadlord just stares.
Right on. Back to these distress
calls: says here you dudes flooded
your ship; you were enslaved by
Demolkian baboons, 7 months later,
wow, you were still baboon slaves;
then, after that you ejected all
Oxygen AND baboons and I told you
those calls weren't from us.
Wow. Mea culpa, hombre. Lemme make
it up to you: we're having a little
celebration luau for the
six...(BING)...seven planets we
conquered if you want to swing by.
I would love to, but every day's a
celebration over here.
An abrasive ALARM goes off on the Dreadcruiser.
COMM OFFICER (V.O.)
Sorry, sir it's my first day, but
there's some sort of lizard monster
killing all of us up here. Is that
supposed to happen?
(listens to O.C.)
No? OK, Jeremy says no.
The Comm Officer SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. An awkward beat.
Dreadlord reaches over and turns off the comm.
(signals to O.C. guards)
Sounds heavy. I'll send some
troopers to lock that down for you.
No! Do not send help! SCAREDUKE?!
ON SCREEN: Scareduke is getting up. STEEL DRUM MUSIC plays.
Sorry, can't hear you. They're
about to crown the limbo king.
Someone O.C. tosses Scareduke a gold crown.
Uh oh! Me? It's me! Aw, you guys!
The transmission cuts out. Rich & Larry excitedly murmur
about how cool Scareduke is. DL turns to them dramatically.
Unbelieveable! Go capture that
lizard-man, my... home- home-brays.
Sir, are you trying to talk like
What? No! You know you two are
They scurry out. Dreadlord tries out a cool gesture.