reddit sex accident confessions

Sex is almost always a pretty great thing. It's enjoyable for you, it's enjoyable for your partner, y'know, it's sex. But once in a blue moon, something can go wrong. Not just like, accidentally-farting-level-wrong. We're talking horrific, blood spewing, writhing-pain-causing, wrong. These people experienced this sex mishaps and lived to tell their bad, bad stories. 

1. Please be strong and resilient, dickskin.

Long Story short, use lube that isn't water solvable when you're having sex under the shower or you might rip your dickskin.

via orpund /

2. Misses, would you mind giving me good old fashion wristy?

Once while receiving a good old fashioned wristy. She pulled down in excitement super duper stupid hard and tore the skin at the base of my knob at the "Front"? Anyway after I shot blood from my dick better then any cum shot I've done, it was off to emergency where they said it's to delicate an area to stitch so he cauterized it. My dick has a small scar but still works fine, thanks.

via fake_not_real_me /

3. It's like a much shittier, torturous method of donating blood.

Was the doctor, not the patient.

You know those erectile dysfunction treatments that used to be on billboards all over? "LONGER SEX NOW", etc?
Well, as is often joked about, those treatments advise you to go to hospital if it lasts longer than 4 hours. Guy came in, having used those treatments, having had an erection for maybe 6 or 8 hours. His dick was purple - not "purple-helmeted warrior of love"-purple, but more "Holding your breath until you pass out"-purple. Also very painful for the guy.

We called the urology registrar (read:resident) to ask him to come and look, and for advice on what to do in the meantime. His answer?
"Take a large gauge needle on a big syringe, stick it right into his glans penis and suck out as much blood as you can."

Then my shift ended. I did not stick around to watch that one.

via ax0r /

4. Oh god.

Not the ER but I did end up at my gyno the next day after I got my clit sliced by someone's too long fingernail. PSA: please keep your nails clipped and filed.

via bingosgirl /

5. "Phew, I did not finger punch a hole in this poor girl."

Was fingering a girl and she started bleeding.. first thought it was her period and was just embarrassing so i stopped when i realized and said sorry, but she started freaking out. Said it was no where near her period and it was a lot of blood...

So I got my buddy to drive us to the ER. I hardly knew her and just felt like I must have punched a hole in her or something terrible...

But nope, dr informed her it really was a period. He wasn't sure why it started so suddenly or why it was so strong compared to previous but no she wasn't dying from bleeding out.

Just left me confused.

via billbapapa /

6. Sipping from glasses gets old and dull as you age.

While having a day shift, we were called a older man was brought in with a big whiskey glass up in his arse. 

The doctor had to do a laparotomy, and removed his lower intestines.

via billbapapa /

7. "Everything looks normal besides that old tumor lingerin' around"

I've told this story a few times. A sex injury literally ended up saving my life. My best friend at the time and I had a few drinks and tensions had been there between us for a long time. She invited me back to her room and tackled me onto her bed, where I hit my head hard off the bedpost. The next morning concussion symptoms started hitting me very heavily so I went to the ER. On my CT scan they told me "everything looks normal except for your old brain trauma." (I have never had brain trauma). About a month later it is diagnosed as a brain tumor that I was not showing symptoms for yet. Had surgery a few weeks later to have it removed and at that point found out it was non-cancerous. So basically she fucked my brains out.

via TheSexyMicrowave /

8. A happy ending for Bob.

Not me, got a call from my neighbor up stairs at about 2 in the AM. I was the sup of the building and I thought there was an emergency.. Well there was. The poor guy had hired this lady of the night and in the throws of passion she came down on him in a weird angle giving ( let's call him Bob) bob a penile fracture.. Well I ended up driving bob and his companion a ride to the ER. She really was a nice girl.. Stayed with him the whole night and couldn't stop saying how sorry she was

I ended up seeing her there again about 6 months later when, I guess, they told Bob it was safe to use his junk again.

via Sendmeouttosea /

9. Damn, this frenulum thing is problematic as hell.

I'm uncircumcised, and I tore my frenulum having sex with a girl one time. It's the little flap of skin that attaches the bottom of the foreskin to the bottom of the head of the penis. Just like the little flap of skin between your lips and gums. 

The worst part of it was that I didn't notice during sex. I pulled out to cum on her stomach, and a torrent of blood and cum spurted everywhere. I looked down and saw it and just awkwardly said "Uh... Problem." 

First we thought that she had gotten her period, which was sorta mortifying for both of us. But after a quick inspection, I realized that I was squirting blood out of my dick. I don't know if any of the rest of you have ever squirted blood out of your dicks, but turns out that we've got millions of years of evolution telling us to protect that little fucker at all costs. So I was freaking the fuck out. Turns out the doctors can't do anything about it. I put vaseline on it and waited weeks for it to heal up. It never did, fully. Now it's significantly tighter/weaker than it used to be. Now every time I have sex there's a part of my brain that's terrified that it'll happen again. 

Kinda sucks

via Tujio /

10. On her death bed: "Any regrets grandma?" "Yes, not finding out what size fruit or ball to compare my burst ovarian cyst to." "...What?" *Flatlines* 

I had really terrible cramps a few times after sex, enough that I had to take pain pills just to sleep. The pain was gone in the next morning both times, and weirdly it didn't happen every time we had sex. I went to the gyno and even had an ultrasound done, but no one could see anything. 

Fast forward a few months later. One night my boyfriend and I got kind of drunk while watching Bay Watch (more like Bae Watch, amirite, Rock Bottom) and decided to keep a good night going with some tipsy sex. 

The cramping started midway through and didn't let up. Within minutes I was crouched naked on the toilet (no idea why I thought it would help) and couldn't move. My boyfriend called an Uber in lieu of an ambulance. I managed to get myself dressed despite puking every few seconds into a plastic mixing bowl.

The poor driver didn't want to take me, since he probably thought I was drunk, and sat there arguing with my boyfriend that I needed an ambulance. I blurted out "get me to a hospital NOW" and he slammed on the gas. That argumentative angel got me there in less than five minutes. 

It turns out an ovarian cyst had burst and torn my uterine wall, so I was bleeding internally. I had to have laparoscopic surgery to remove and cauterize the cyst. Those little bitches are no joke. My only regret is never learning what size fruit or ball I could compare it to. 

I'm also eternally grateful to my boyfriend to being too tired for tent sex the week before or I would have been bleeding internally at the far end of the Grand Canyon.

via stayshinycapn /

11. Guys, don't pour cleaning chemicals on your junk.

I don't think this would count as sexual accident but I once tried to wash my balls with Dettol . You know, trying to make it all clean and free from 99.9% germs. I took the cap off and poured it on my balls just like that. 

About a minute later, i was on the bathroom floor crawled up in fetus position with shower still on and in tears. Didn't go to ER but lesson learnt.

via Creepmaster69 /

12. AMPUTATE THE DICK?! Thank god tiny circular saws exist, for some reason.

Not me. 

I was hanging out with a nurse friend of mine at her place. She works at the OR and I asked if she'd seen crazy stuff that had to do with private parts. She told me about this dude who had a ring in his dick hole. Not on his dick, INSIDE HIS DICK, WHERE PEE COMES FROM. Anyway it was as thick thick as a wedding band and the Doctor on duty was debating on whether to amputate his dick or not. Fortunately for him they were able to bring in a tiny circular saw and cut the ring then take it out. Gives me nightmares thinking about it.

via EggsOverOzzie /

13. Well, you almost gotta date for a while outta guilt.

I had to drive a friend to the ER after he broke his dick during a house party. 

I was already the scheduled DD for my friends and apparently one of them snuck off with this girl. They were doing the good ol' reverse cowgirl like any other young bucks would and she ended up zigging where she should've zagged and kinda did a 90 degree body torque. 

To his explanation, it sorta just "popped" and he threw her off him and screamed bloody murder. He tossed on some shorts commando style and told me to drive him to the hospital like now. Drop what I'm doing, get in the car you're the only one sober, let's go, let's go. Oh and the girl came along. Her name was Amanda and she was pretty chill. 

So it was me driving two barely clothed 20 year olds in my car to the local hospital twenty minutes away with my dude holding his dick in the backseat and Amanda just consoling him rubbing his back making sure he's okay. Telling him, "It's going to be alright, you're gonna be fine." like he hadn't just fractured his penis.

So, we make it to the ER and he just hobbles in and says he broke his dick, please fix it. And they took him in and I was just alone with this girl I had met that night just waiting for the prognosis. And around an hour later they tell us that he's having emergency surgery because he suffered a "severe penile fracture and tore his urethra aswell." And basically told us to go home, call someone to pick him up that night. 

Dude was under the knife and discharged the next day, penis intact and pride only somewhat. Oh and I also had to call his parents to let them know that their son was having emergency dick surgery and to pick him up in the morning. Could/could not be a fun call at 12 at night depending on the perspective.

They ended up dating for a while after that too.

via Maeserk /