Jacob Andrews / CollegeHumor
We write a lot about irresponsible drinking habits here, since most of us have a tendency towards occasionally being irresponsible drinkers (but not all of us!) - and so it's always nice to hear there are others out there making wildly irresponsible choices (but, like, not DEADLY ones like DUIs) while drunk and having to deal with the consequences. It's the classic "Drunk You vs. Sober You" conundrum - basically a Jekyll/Hyde situation, where you're the same person but have two personalities, one of which tends to make a mess for the other. These are some of the best ones we've heard lately:
Got drunk, went to a taco shop, loudly exclaimed "fuck these tacos are awesome!" and then wrote a $400 tip on the tip line of my receipt. I honestly don't remember if I meant to actually tip 400 since the tacos were so good, or 4.00 and forgot the decimal, but I was able to get the charge reversed luckily since I was a poor college kid who didn't even have $400 in my account. Shit a brick when I woke up to overdraft alerts on my phone though
I had just passed out and I must have gotten up to go pee, but the only thing I remember is being in the attic squatting and when I stood up my foot fell through the ceiling.
The next morning I woke up with scratches and bruises all down my leg and a huge hole in the ceiling with a pee stain around it. I honestly don't remember how I got up there.
What's crazy about it is, you had to walk through our closet on the other side of the room and climb a flight of stairs to get to the attic. The bathroom was 4 feet away from where I was sleeping.
Woke up to 20 dollars in my wallet, thought to myself "Fuck yeah, I left with $60 so I only spent $40"
Look at bank account and realize I took out $200 more throughout the night. Damn you drunk me, Damn youu!
Throwing up into my crush's mouth while we were making out. That was the first and only time he brought me for a drink.
Drunken Amazon purchases that I definitely did not need. Anyone want some little squishy stress toys shaped like various animals? I have 35...
I thought my Xbox broke cause it wasn't ejecting the disk, and drunk me thinks he's a technical genius, so he tried to fix it.
Sober me found my Xbox in pieces the next morning, and spent $60 to get it repaired. Oh, and there was never even a disk stuck in it.
So I go to a Christian university where you are required to abstain from consuming alcohol (you need to sign an agreement and everything). I recently graduated so I don't really need to follow this rule but I am still living on campus so there is a bit of a grey area I guess.
Moving on with the story, I went out for a work related outing where your first 8 beers were free. So doing what anyone would do, I took full advantage of this opportunity. So 8 beers/cocktails later, we decide it's a good idea to hop to another bar a few blocks away. Being the new guy at work, I had to prove that I could knock back as much as anyone else in the company grabbing 3 jack and cokes at this new bar.
I want feeling so good so I decided to go lay on a couch that was in the corner. Next thing I knew, everyone was gone, I was smashed, and I didn't really know where I was. So I did honestly the best thing I could've done in that situation. So I walked to target. I was sitting in the entrance trying to ask my friends for help when a guy comes up to me holding a target giftcard in my face. He was offering me a $50 gift card for $20 cash and drunk me thought this opportunity was to good to pass up.
So armed with my giftcard, I try and purchase some chips and water to start sobering up. Long story short, the card doesn't work and I get escorted out as I was pretty visibly intoxicated.
After I was kicked out, I did the next best thing I could think of. I just started "walking home". So I was walking around a city for a little bit and soon enough, I was lost. I messaged my friends again for help and one suggested uber. Drunk me couldn't figure out how to get an uber.
So eventually I made it back. I honestly have no idea how I made it back but somehow I did. I made my way to the community restroom in the dorm hall, took off my pants so i was naked from the waist down and started vomiting. In the process, I guess I really had to shit. In the process of puking, I shit all over myself and the floor. I passed out in my own filth.
Eventually, I was awoken by a small voice saying to wake up and get out. So, I get up and walk out to find one of my friends working security who found me. So, covered in shit, I did my walk of shame to the security office, filled out some forms and walked back to my apartment.
The following weeks were some of the scariest in my life. I had no money and had the luming threat of being kicked out of my apartment. Nothing happened of it though. So I guess the worst thing that happened was losing $20 to a gift card that didn't work.
Also if you are reading this and had to clean up that bathroom, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.
Drunk me doesn't make good decisions.
underage drinking: at aged 16 i got drunk and scared my parents would catch me so i locked myself in the bathroom, evidently vomited everywhere and promptly fell asleep in my own vomit
i woke up at around 6:00am, saw the absolute mess i had created and proceed to clean up whilst still drunk
an hour later i was pretty happy with my cleaning and decided to go to bed, upon waking up a few hours later my mum said to me "so you vomited all over the bathroom?!?"
turns out i barely cleaned before passing out again
Drunk me loves a drunken text.
Had been dating this guy, sent some messages when I was pretty (day) drunk. Cue guy being pissed off but giving me another chance. Was never really as good as the beginning after that.
Cue drunken me sending a message the week after we ended things for good saying I missed him.
Sober me apologised to sober him next day and said I'd delete his number. He told me to just stop texting weird stuff.
IF I COULD I WOULD, BABE. IF I COULD I WOULD.
But gin is just too nice.
I came home super wasted and my roommate saw me laugh and say this asshole will never find this as I threw my wallet against the wall making it fall behind the couch.
I put a glass half full of vodka next to the bathroom sink and forgot about it. The next morning, while hungover, I thought it was water and took a swig. I promptly started vomiting all over my bathroom.
I 'woke up' to pee after having passed out wasted. Only problem was I didn't go to the toilet, I went on the stack of old VHS family video my girlfriend had in the corner of the room. She was not happy.