Here's a free tip for everyone: if you find some weird, messed up-looking, squishy thing that feels like it's something out of a David Lynch movie, maybe just...leave it alone? Don't touch it or bring it with you anywhere....and DEFINITELY don't leave it in the back of your car and FORGET ABOUT IT. That's the lesson @keplyq learned the HARD WAY - luckily, she recounted the story on Twitter, so that she could share her wisdom and terrifying experience with all of you:
anyway, do you guys want to hear a story: two weeks ago a mysterious cursed root appeared on my front doorstep. it was the length of my forearm and shaped like a fucked up turkey leg. look here it is pic.twitter.com/yqZsdUw6yM-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
It took me about 8 seconds to become completely obsessed with it. I mean. What the fuck IS it?? Animal? Vegetable? Mineral? Alien womb? Why is it full of all those sticks??? Is it a curse? A blessing? I mean. duh. I knew it was a curse-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
I picked it up, shook it, banged it against the step a bit. Nothing jiggled, nothing hissed, but it was oddly....squishy. And maybe warm, somehow? I asked my neighbors. Nobody knew. I sent friends pictures. Nothing.-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
And here's where she made her mistake - she let her curiosity get the best of her. It wasn't enough to gross out her neighbors with this giant, gross, warm HR Giger nightmare - she BROUGHT IT WITH HER PLACES:
I put it in a gallon freezer bag and took it to work. I asked my bosses, my coworkers, my patients. Nobody had any idea what it was. By the end of the day, though, we noticed that the bag was...sweating. The turkey leg was emitting heat and moisture-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
That night, as I left work, I threw it in the back of my car (a hatchback) and....I...forgot about it. Skip forward maybe a week. I was driving my kids to the library. My son was in the backseat and he told me there was a worm back there??-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
& I was like: of course there's no goddamn worms back there it's probably just food you spilled!!! ie: this is your fault anyway just let me drive to the library!! but then my daughter turned around to check the backseat and THAT is when the screaming started-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
"And that is when the screaming started" is a phrase that pretty much anyone would have guessed would come at some point in this story, because IT IS A BAD IDEA TO TAKE WEIRD ALIEN MONSTROSITIES THAT NO ONE CAN IDENTIFY ALONG WITH YOU.
the cursed turkey leg FUCKING HATCHED. and from its fucked up spongy depths emerged. just. hundreds of horrible, tiny, fucked up worms. Everywhere. squeezing into the backseat from my trunk. they had chewed through their bag.-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
We made it to the library. shrieking and nauseated. We leaped out of the car, leaving all the doors open. I snatched the turkey leg and threw it as hard and as far away from us as I could.-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
We called my husband, the three of us hollering into speaker phone that we would NEVER get back into that car, we had NO idea what to do, and that it was his job to SAVE US. FROM THE WORMS.-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
and he did: he came to take my car to vacuum it out, and we drove his car home. he came home an hour later, all the worms safely locked inside the industrial vacuum at mikes car wash. but here's the thing:-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
This is the point in the sci-fi horror movie when you start screaming at the characters on-screen to DESTROY THE CAR, IT IS THE ONLY WAY.
It's getting warmer out. The sun is shining, trapping the heat inside my car, effectively creating a greenhouse for whatever.....might be....living. in my car.-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
So now, on the warm days, before I can get in my car I have to inspect the entire back seat (they've not come up to the front?) and trunk for tiny worms, which I then squish with the worm squishing rock I now keep in my car for this purpose-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
Today I have only had to squish three worms. It's fine. Everything is fine-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
So, thanks to her curiosity over a weird squishy thing (that turned out to be some kind of incubator for HUNDREDS OF WORMS), she has to deal with nonstop horror and anxiety every time she gets in her car. Let this be a lesson to everyone.
UPDATE I found a single solitary dead worm thing in the back of my car and I am. going to post a picture. I'm sorry pic.twitter.com/LsWfUVWfs0-- keply (@keplyq) May 1, 2018
In case you were curious what these worms (and that THING) actually was, The Bug Chicks have arrived to offer some clarification.
Yes- read the whole hilarious thread this morning. Those are dermestid "carpet" beetle larvae. They are used in museums to clean hides and skeletons! Putting that gourd thing in the plastic bag in car likely sped up their life cycle. Good to get rid of them! Lil'nommers.-- The Bug Chicks (@TheBugChicks) May 2, 2018