Though they may seem elegant and beautiful, everyone in the know knows that geese they're horrible hellbeasts with wings! They're so evil, in fact, that the nice people of AskReddit had people share their worst expierence with a goose and at the time of this writing, there are over 5000 responses to the question. We culled through and found some of our favorites. Please enjoy...
(Trigger warning: Dead geese)
1. c13h18o2 was attacked for trying to feed them corn:
When I was little I used to play in one of my grandparents barns. There was this huge pit of feed corn in there that I could just swim around in. But not for long. The corn apparently belonged to the geese, and if they detected my presence they would come after me like a bunch of Jurassic Park velociraptors, hissing. You know those nightmares where you have to run away but you're just moving too slow? That was me, wading through corn up to my chest.
2. Josibambosi was punished for trying to help one:
I used to volunteer at a wildlife rehab center where we mostly got injured birds. One of my feathered patients was a goose with a broken wing.
We handle all the birds as minimally as possible so they don't get used to people and can be released into the wild once they're healthy again. However, in order to get the birds into their daily bath time, they have to be carried.
I picked up this goose, mind you geese are not light, and it bit me and flapped it's wings so hard it flopped onto the ground. I fought that goose for a solid few minutes before I gave up an grabbed a towel to contain its wrath. With the wings neutralized I was able to pick it up but it still bit me a few more times on the way to its tub out of pure spite. Fuck that goose.
On a positive note, pelicans are just clumsy dogs with wings
3. irmajerk had their lunch ruined:
I stopped at a BBQ Chicken place on a beach foreshore one time with my partner. Just a bit of lunch at this nice park on the waterfront, a sunny Sunday afternoon, sitting on the hood of the car enjoying this wonderful meal. Except, this great fuck off big pelican decided that he wouldn't mind sharing. I swear this thing was as big as a Rottweiler and it's beak was almost as long as the hood of my car. I had plenty of time to observe this fact, as it landed it's enourmousness right between us.
We scrambled into the car and the great big bastard stood there and watched through the windscreen. Eventually I started the car and backed out of the parking space, but he wouldn't budge. I slow crawled through the carpark and the bloody monstrosity of a bird turned in the direction of travel and braced like "Cmon then, let's go!"
Stalemate achieved. I wasn't about to pull out into the street with a pelican for a hood ornament. And he wasn't moving. So we sat. He got bored after a couple more minutes, fortunately, but Jesus H Christ.
4. ArmageddonRetrospect was the boy who cried goose:
I lived on a farm growing up and we had ducks and a few geese. My job was to feed the ducks and geese and one of our geese would try attacking me and biting me. My dad thought I was being ridiculous and went with me to feed them and when the goose tried attacking him he grabbed it by the neck and threw it. That day I learned how to deal with an asshole goose.
5. jankywank learned that the only thing scarier than a goose is a zombie goose:
Went goose hunting with my dad once, I was pretty young - 9 or 10 years old. He managed to shoot one. We get home with the dead goose, he hauls it up to the kitchen counter to clean it I guess, and when he put his hand on the chest of the goose it let out a long drawn out hooooooooonk.
I was certain we were about to die at the hands (wings?) of a zombie goose.
6. notjanelane's college was under goose rule:
Went to a very very very small college, one entrance in and out of campus. My freshman year a science class (can't remember which) decided to do a research project on goslings so they somehow attracted geese/ got some geese onto campus (not really sure of these details) and after 3 years the geese had multplied. This wouldn't be a problem except they protect their nests like crazy and after 3 years there were 3 different nests perfectly triangulated so anywhere you were on campus you'd be in the goose attack danger zone. Walking to class? Goose attack. Want to go to the dining hall? Goose attack. Take a nice walk through the arboretum? Goose attack. Worst experience personally: offending a goose by trying to get to my car and leave, 2 chased me and started pecking my car, the dents were there until the day my car died. Eventually the school had the geese moved to some sanctuary/farm. Or that's what they told us, could be the same farm my childhood dog went to, who knows.
7. JustAnotherWench almost had Christmas Ruined:
When I was about 5 or 6 I woke up early one morning, and heard what I though was my dad walking around in the kitchen - I got out of bed, opened the door to the kitchen, and was face to face with Morten, the angry gander. He only liked my mum, so he flipped out and ran at me. I panicked and slammed the door on his neck.
So we ate goose-roast a few days later. My mum was a bit pissed, she was planning on saving him until Christmas, but she understood. My dad laughed so hard he almost wet himself, and I cried tears of fear, shame, shock and relief.
I don't like any birds now, but I absolutely hate geese. And swans - they're just even angrier geese.
8. Deerhoof_Fan got into a fist fight (even though the goose didn't have fists):
Wow I actually get to tell this story. A few years back I tried a new jogging route that took me past the nest of an abnormally aggressive goose. For a while it just squawked at me, but eventually it got the idea that I was out for his chicks or something.
So there I am, taking my normal jogging route, preparing for the squawking, when I see him just standing there, sans squawk. This didn't last for long.
He took off and started flying after me. The squawking commenced, and he started dive bombing me. Fortunately it didn't bite me or anything, but suffice to say, being dive bombed by a goose is an unpleasant experience. In my panic I decided I had to do something about this, so I get my eye on him. This time as he swooped down I punched him right in his chest and ran away before he could get up. It was fucking bizarre, and I regret nothing.
TL;DR: Geese hate being punched.
9. SucculentHemorrhoid had their bread stolen:
12. das_bearen_juden had to raise them and has many stories:
My family raises geese, so y'all better buckle the fuck up. 1. Those fuckers are mean. If they even thinkyou're trying to mess with them, they will swarm you. You know when you piss off the chickens in Zelda, and they just keep coming until you're dead? Those chickens are actually geese. 2. They're dumb. As if being the assholes of the bird kingdom wasn't enough, there are only about 16 brain cells in the whole fucking species. They'll pick a fight with a goddamn cow but won't realize that a snake is literally all up under their ass, eating their eggs. 3. They shit everywhere. But it gets worse. If they find a berry bush, they'll eat all the berries. So many berries that they get the loosy-goosies (see what I did there?) and will not stop shitting. Bonus points if the berries were blueberries because now their shit is 50 shades of purple and stains everything.
Edit: 4. Baby geese raised in pens will shit in their drinking water. And their food storage. Then splash all around in it like it's some kind of shit themed porno.