You like your junk, right?  Seems like a given, really. What's not to like?  Your friend is there when you need it, getting the job done and making your world a better place.  Except maybe it isn't.  Turns out a good number of people are so unhappy with the situation in their Southern hemisphere they're going to some pretty drastic measures to get their bits and bobs all in order.

1. Wiener Whitening


This is absolutely one of things that people describe by saying you either get it or you don't, and for those who don't we need to try to put ourselves in the headspace of someone who feels like they have a case of the scuzzy dong.  Penis whitening is absolutely a thing and it's just what it sounds like.  While you can use strips or a trip to the dentist to whiten your teeth, you can also schedule a visit to a clinic in Thailand and have them laser your penis a new shade of pale.

Not a lot of patients for the treatment have come forward, but the limited info available suggests this isn't too much different than everyone's favorite below-the-belt cosmetic procedure - butthole bleaching.  You suffer blotchiness or discoloration and want it evened out and lightened up so you look better in family photos.  Unlike the chemical bleaching of your butt, however, the laser process for your junk can cause scarring, irritation and inflammation and possibly even reproductive damage. There's also the fact that it isn't permanent and as your skin heals and grows you'll go back to your normal dank dong, so this is either a special occasion thing or something you need to commit to over the long haul.

So what's a trip to bleach your screech going to set you back?  Five sessions cost $650 and the mental toll of letting someone shoot you in the groin with a laser.  And ladies, before you start feeling left out, know that the same clinic offers labia whitening too so everyone can have an equally burnt, pale undercarriage.


2. Butthole Botox


There are only so many things that can be done to a human butthole, and few if any are things you tend to talk about openly.  And that's not just for your sake, as embarrassed as you may be to discuss the back door.  Turns out most people don't want to hear about it either.  Again, we must stress that this is solely meant "publicly."  Secretly, the butthole is pretty popular, and people are going to some great lengths to keep it looking its best.

Some years ago, the butthole cause célèbre was bleaching.  You couldn't scroll through three websites without stumbling on a butthole bleaching joke.  But that's your grandfather's ass procedure and these days people are taking cosmetic assery to a whole new hole.  Well, no, it's the same hole, but it's much more intense.  You can get the ol' balloon knot retightened and prettified with some botox if that's your thing, or you can have it dilated too if you somehow have the opposite problem, with prices ranging from $5000 to $25,000, depending on the severity of the issues.  If your butt is jacked to the tune of $25,000 though, you might want to just write it off and buy a new one.

Despite the awkwardness of the subject matter for some people, the clear upside is that you're cleaning up the backyard, which is something there's definitely a market for.  People who have had hemorrhoids or any other serious issues could very well feel a degree of self consciousness over how everything is looking back there.  And if there are an abundance of procedures to help make the front door look welcoming, why not the back?  Plus this is also a performance issue.  Fact is, around 40% of people have had anal sex at some point, so no one wants to be on the field with inferior gear.  You want that thing tip top if you're making use of it, that's just good sense.


3. Saline Clitoral Enlargement


If you're the adventurous sort, you can absolutely Google this procedure and bear witness to the effects of a person administering saline to themselves in an effort to enlarge their clitoris.  This isn't necessarily a surgical procedure in the sense that you can go to a hospital or clinic and get a licenced physician to perform it, but it is a surgical procedure in the sense you can inject foreign substances into your body on your own for kicks.  So that's something.

Imagine, then, if you have an interest in perhaps home genital augmentation. You like the idea of turning your clitoris into a Shrinky Dink, so to speak, but you don't have the time or finances to actually go the professional route and instead just get yourself up to a liter of sterile saline, a syringe and a bit of tubing and push that line until you swell up like Veruca Salt in a chocolate factory.  That's what this is, and it's part of the world of body modification.

Typical clitoral enlargement is a much more temporary deal done with suction pumps.  The saline solution you can look at in much the same vein as would-be bodybuilders who pseudo-juice with synthol, mineral oil or saline. The human body can be expanded pretty dramatically this way and, if it's just pure saline, it'll be absorbed back into your body and the only potential damage is getting a little worn out like the elastic on an old pair of boxers after a while.

Guys don't need to feel left out here either because while this practice isn't super common in any circles, it's also not unheard of for saline injections to be used to inflate the scrotum, the penis and even your butt cheeks.

Why do any of this to yourself?  Well, if you need to ask you probably don't want to do it anyway.  But for the sake of curiosity, some people just dig the way it looks or the way it feels to have a bit of extra weight and weird bulges in fun places.  Maybe not the most satisfying answer but honestly, why else would you fill your nub with saline?


4. Ball Biggening


The world has a weird fascination with balls.  You need balls to be brave, you go balls to the wall when you're giving something your all, balls deep means something about something.  They're the very literal and metaphorical symbol for masculinity, so maybe that's why people will go out of their way to make them literally bigger than they're supposed to be with a testicular enhancement operation.

There are any number of good reasons to have some kind of testicular implant - cancer being the most common one.  Some men will also get them if they just have unusually small testicles, or testicles of vastly disproportionate sizes.  And then there are dudes who just want a more robust nut harvest.  If you have the inclination and maybe $3000 for a shiny new pair of lifelike giggleberries, you too can turn your wizened little windsock into Santa's bustling sack.

Testicular implants are a lot like the ones they use for neutered pets, just little silicon nutties they pop in your goodie bag to give you that look you're going for.  There are, naturally, different sizes and kinds of implants as well, from your bargain basement brand which some people claim feel a bit too hard, to the top of the line models which are supposed to be all supple and lifelike and nearly indistinguishable from the real thing, should you be the sort of person who regularly squeezes nuts to compare them.

5. The 3D Vagina


Those of us who have studied what a vagina is on the internet are mostly aware that said vaginas are generally found in the same three dimensions as the rest of reality.  This has not stopped a Thai clinic from offering a 3D vagina procedure guaranteed to make your lady flower blossom into the fullness of the 3rd dimension like a Marvel superhero hero in IMAX.

The difference between normal 3D vaginas and these super 3D vaginas is all in the fat.  

Specifically, your fat, which is sucked from a part of the body where it's not needed and then injected right back into the general neighborhood of an underprivileged ladybird.  This fat injection offers a new plumpness to the whole shebang, creating what some folks in the more scandalous corners of back-alley speak-easies might refer to as a "FUPA."  You go ahead and Google that if you don't know it, it'll be a fun education for you.

Now to answer the question left hanging here, the reason anyone might want a little chub in their shrub is it's meant to give that authentic air of youth and vitality.  No one wants a flat, flaccid old shoe leather cooter, they want one that's puffy and fun like a jelly donut.  Maybe that's a gross analogy or maybe it's so on the money it just blew your mind.

The cost of the procedure is about $1600 US, so it's not pocket money but it's not the worst thing in the world when you consider that the average cost of liposuction in the US is over $3000.  Maybe it's because they save on the disposal fee.

If you're looking to embiggen the cellar doors without actually adding to the overall poof factor, there's always labia augmentation surgery.  Most surgeries in this ballpark are meant to do two things - remove excess tissue or reshape it so you look like a neatly wrapped little package and not one a toddler ripped into on Christmas morning.

For this, you can reduce the inner labia while just injecting fat into the outer labia.  So it's not the whole ballpark that's being made bigger, just home base.  Again, you're looking in the range of $3000 or more for such a procedure, and of course the price of not being able to cross your legs the same way anymore.