1. The guy who invested in Bitcoin a few years ago and is now obnoxiously rich (supposedly)

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Ugh, THIS GUY. He bet big on Bitcoin years and years ago, when he really thought it was going to be the next big thing and become a viable currency. In the meantime, it crashed on multiple occasions, he was scammed out of a lot of his Bitcoin wallet, and he's burned through more graphics cards than a kid playing World of Warcraft 16 hours a day - but he never gave up. He kept posting about how some pizza place in Sweden now accepted Bitcoin as payment, and therefore the revolution had begun. And all the while, you brushed him off and laughed at that dude and his silly little fake internet money obsession.

Well, for some goddamn reason, now the fake internet money is somehow WORTH A LOT? And that weirdo libertarian friend of yours theoretically is a multimillionaire?! You say theoretically because he still hasn't been able to cash out nearly any of his Bitcoin holdings - and because he's so dedicated to the cause, he's confident the price will go EVEN HIGHER. Part of you is hoping it crashes again, because now every time he posts about his Bitcoins you feel like a goddamn idiot for laughing at this guy who somehow turned into the Monopoly Guy overnight, all while living in his parents' basement and obsessively checking r/Bitcoin.



2. The guy who could have gotten rich off of Bitcoin but sold just a litttttttle too early

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It's definitely not helping your self-esteem to see this guy constantly reminding you that YOU TOO could have been a millionaire, but you missed out on your chance to invest in Bitcoin. The one saving grace is that you didn't mess up as badly as this guy - who DID invest in Bitcoin in the early goings, but got nervous over the future of an unregulated decentralized cryptocurrency that wasn't being widely adopted and was constantly the subject of massive scams and controversies. Yep, he sold all of his Bitcoin at a loss RIGHT BEFORE it blew up - and now the regret over his hasty mistake haunts him every day, and he won't stop posting about HOW RICH HE COULD HAVE BEEN every single time the price goes up even a tiny bit.



3. The guy who JUST bought into Bitcoin when it went through the roof and is now getting a little nervous that it's never going to recover

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These are the rubes that flash-in-the-pan successes like Bitcoin thrive on - morons who have no idea what a thing is, but keep hearing it can make them rich, so they buy in at the worst possible time: right as it's peaking. They hear "it went up in value 1000% over the course of one month!" and assume that that kind of trend means it'll KEEP GOING UP INDEFINITELY. Here's a hint: it won't. What goes up must come down. And Bitcoin has - pretty hard, too.

"Buy high, sell low" isn't a great investment strategy, so they're posting a mix between outright panic whenever something bad happens (like, say, entire countries ban the use of Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies) and untethered deluded optimism that things are DEFINITELY going to shoot way back up ANY SECOND NOW (and while Bitcoin may climb back a bit, the idea that it's going to go much higher than $20,000 doesn't seem very likely at this point). They thought they were gonna make a fortune instantly - instead, they've committed most of their livelihood to a thing they JUST heard about and still don't really understand, and are going to be in for a very rude awakening when they have to explain to their families what that second mortgage on the house is all about.



4. The guy who genuinely thinks blockchain currency is the future

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While most of the talk around Bitcoin (and other cryptocurrencies) these days are their value as investments, there are still some true believers who think the future of Bitcoin lies in it being anĀ actual, usable currency. The big problems with using it as a currency are many, including:

  • Massive propensity for fraud (since it's unregulated)
  • Wild inconsistency in value (currencies tend to have relatively stable values - when the price can fluctuate so hugely from one day to another, it becomes INCREDIBLY difficult to price products for that currency, especially when transactions can take multiple days to be processed)
  • Huge transaction fees (a result of merchants and outlets trying to account and prep for swings in value)
  • Inconvenience (again, it takes MULTIPLE DAYS to process most Bitcoin transactions, which is quite a bit worse than using paper currency or credit cards)

But this won't stop this guy - he doesn't trust the government, constantly posts about "fiat currency" being a fraud, and is really trying to make his Bitcoin wallet into something he can use to purchase things. That means he can only buy from very specific outlets, and has to deal with crazy transaction fees, but you kinda admire his commitment to such an objectively terrible idea.



5. The guy who bet heavy on an alternate coin and is beginning to realize he's never going to make his money back

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He sure was posting a whole lot about "Pepecoin" for a while, saying it was "like Bitcoin but way better" without being able to explain exactly how. You're pretty sure he saw the price of Bitcoin was crazy high and figured he would get in on the ground floor of some other cryptocurrency, but he's been oddly quiet about it ever since it's value went from $0.02 per Pepecoin to $0.01.



6. Your dad

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"I heard about some internet money thing called 'Bitcoins' that's apparently worth a bunch of money. You're on the internet all the time, why didn't YOU get rich off of Bitcoins? Seems like the kind of thing you would've known about." YES DAD, I KNOW, THANK YOU FOR THE HINDSIGHT. PS - WHY DIDN'T YOU INVEST IN APPLE OR MICROSOFT, HUH?

Anyways, I hear Pepecoin is going pretty cheap these days - maybe it'll be the next Bitcoin?