1. Your Hot Cousin
Ugh, great, my hot cousin. Now I have to try to not stare at them awkwardly and pray to God I can hide my visible erection. Really hope they don't go for the full hug, otherwise I'm definitely going to have to take a few shame showers tonight.
2. Your Extremely Old Relative On the Verge of Death Who's Just Bumming Everyone Out
I know it's not Great Aunt Marjorie's fault she's insanely old and in terrible health, but she's really making everyone super depressed. Try to make some pleasant smalltalk with her (and her oxygen machine) and she keeps talking about her inoperable tumor. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER WANTED SOMEONE TO JUST TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER.
3. Little Cousin Who Is Just Staring At His iPad Nonstop, 24/7, Watching Gaming Videos On Youtube
Listen, Derek, when I was your age, I wasn't allowed to have an iPad all the time, let alone get to spend the entire holiday season staring listlessly at a Hearthstone Twitch stream for 8 hours straight. I had to endure nonstop boredom with the family, and so should you.
4. Cousin Who Used To Not Be Hot But It's Been A While Since You've Seen Then And SHIT They Got Hot
Ugh, great - ANOTHER hot cousin to contend with. Why are my family's genes so predisposed to making people attractive?!
5. Uncle Who Takes The Best Spot On the Couch and Immediately Falls Asleep
Uncle Doug moves to the middle part of the couch to watch some football and BAM! Straight to sleep. Now no one can sit there without dealing with sleepy Uncle Doug snoring right next to them.
6. Hot Uncle (Super Jacked, Damn)
COME ON - since WHEN did Uncle Pat become such a damn snack?
7. Hot Aunt (Um I'll Take More Breast Meat Please Aunt Linda LOL)
JESUS, AUNT LINDA TOO?! I do NOT need mental images in my head of wanting to smash that, but I am NOT left with many options here.
8. Hot Racist Uncle
OKAY UNCLE STAN MIGHT BE PRETTY RACIST BUT HE'S ALSO THICC AF. GODDAMN MY FAMILY IS HOT AS HELL.
9. Hot Parents (Not Sexually Attracted To Them Or Anything But - Hey - I Can Recognize They Look Good, Okay?)
IT'S NOT MY FAULT EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS A SNACK.
10. Hot Turkey
OH SO I HAVE TO WATCH MY HOT PARENTS STUFF THIS TURKEY AND I'M SUPPOSED TO THINK IT'S NOT HOT? THEY BASICALLY FUCKED IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.