As kids, we trust that our parents tell us the truth about the big, scary world we live in. We depend on their honesty and guidance to help us navigate the harshness of reality.
But, let's face it. Parents can be giant trolls, too, and they lie to kids all the frickin' time.
I mean, hello? Tooth Fairy? Please, we know the Tooth Fairy doesn't leave us any money, the
1. OneEyedWilson gets hair on his chest:
My dad told my brother that growing in chest hairs is an excruciatingly painful process. Days later, as my brother walks past my dad in the living room, my dad clutches is chest and screams, "AAARRRGGHHHH! Another god damn chest hair!" Scared bro shitless. He believed it until he grew in his own.
2. SuperWeebatron is going to kid prison:
My parents told me that it was illegal for a kid to heat up meat in a microwave. They were just getting annoyed at me heating up things like ham and getting chunks all over the microwave. I once cried because I heated up a sandwich with ham in it and didn't realize until after it was out. My brother was so confused when I was bawling to him about how I was going to go to jail for putting ham in the microwave.
3. tikiwooki started as a hairball:
I was born with a full head of hair and my mom said that she knew I would have lots of hair because she would cough up hairballs while she was pregnant.
It took until high school anatomy class for me to realize there is not a direct connection from your uterus to your throat.
Also women don't cough up hairballs.
4. Tobybrent had a puppy before a son:
My son had a patch on his arm that was a hairy birthmark. I told him that he'd actually been born as a puppy and that gradually he turned into a boy. He lost his bark and used words instead, that he learned to walk on his back legs and to stop chewing bones and enjoy people food instead. The story was very elaborate, and then I dramatically grabbed his arm and pointed to the birthmark on his arm and declared this was the proof because it was the last bit of puppy skin left on him. He really believed it for a while and was delighted to have been a puppy.
5. kaseythedragon meets the candy witch:
When I was a kid my parents told me and my brother about the candy witch. She was a nice witch who came on Halloween night when you were sleeping and took most of your candy, but left a present in return. So my brother and I got to keep 10 pieces of candy and the rest went to the candy witch, and when we woke up we had awesome presents waiting for us. And that's how my parents got to eat all our candy and prevented us from eating a shit ton. Super smart and will be using on my own kids.
6. lending_ear sticks out their tongue:
Yes they told me that you can tell if a person was lying by looking at their tongue.
I believed it because they ALWAYS knew when I was lying.
How? Subconsciously if I was lying I wouldn't want to show my tongue and would put up a bit of a struggle. If I wasn't? I whipped it out straight away as if to say SEE! SEE! IM NOT LYING! TOLD YOU SO!
Pretty f'ing genius and I'll use it on my kids. It really taught me to own up to my mistakes vs lying and getting a worse punishment.
7. artishee is thirsty:
My dad told me that not waiting until you finish eating to take a drink caused stomach aches and could fuck up my stomach, and that all doctors said to wait at least 5 minutes after a meal to drink something. Sophomore year, a dietician comes in to health class and I asked about it, and she said that she has no idea what I'm talking about. It was fucking embarrassing :(
8. SantaIsADoucheFag still doesn't know how to whistle:
As a way to get me to eat my crust when I was younger, my parents told me that eating it would make me whistle.
Unfortunately, I believed this until I was 15 because I'm a dumbass.
9. turderer's friend gets tricked into manual labor:
Not my dad, a friend's dad.
One day he started telling my friend that the old man who lived in the house previously didn't believe in banks and, when he died, buried all his money somewhere in the yard. About a week later, he told my friend that he'd been using a metal detector, and he found the place where it was buried, then handed him a shovel and excitedly told him to go dig it up.
My friend spent most of a Saturday digging in the yard thinking he was going to be rich. After several hours, he hit something and ran to get his dad. After some more digging his dad said "Aw no. This isn't treasure at all, it's the septic tank! Oh well." An hour later a truck came and pumped the septic tank.
10. ghunt81's dad grows "tomatoes":
Dad told me those were tomatoes he was growing in the basement. They were not tomatoes.
11. Mirraklewhippn didn't flush their goldfish:
My dad told me my goldfish ran away.
12. 1boxfox celebrates Swedish New Year:
One New Year's Eve when our daughter was about five, she decided that she wanted to stay up until midnight. By 9pm, she was overly tired and generally foul. By 9:30, we had enough. We explained to her that since her dad is Swedish, we celebrated Swedish New Year. Which we conveniently decided took place at 10pm. We all made it to bed by 10:30. For the next few years, we celebrated "Swedish New Year" until she was old enough to put the pieces together and realize that she had been lied to.
13. AtheistComic creates the next Don Quixote:
Told my youngest kid that the windmills across the bay were added because geologists discovered the landmass on the other side was drifting towards the mainland. She told her teacher in a discussion about the windmills. I got a phone call from the teacher correcting me and saying The windmills were designed to repel killer bees. I'm not sure which dad joke won.
14. RedditsInBed2 learns abour Rolos.
My mom had a roll of Rolo candy that she was sharing with grama while they chit chatted. Of course us kids noticed and asked if we could have some too. "You don't want this, the inside is chopped up cockroach." We were initially skeptical but we didnt have candy often and eventually we suspiciously believed her and left her and grama to their bug candy.
Guys! Rolo candy is filled with delicious caramel. Caramel! I was bamboozled!
15. Frostillicus8711's sister hates fish:
My sister hated eating fish when she was little, so whenever my parents fed it to her they told her it was "aquatic chicken".