Interior: Giant Shower With Unfrosted Glass On All Four Sides Somehow.


ANASTASIA STEELE, a busty half-Asian Student / Journalist / Cop-Scientist is showering for five and a half minutes while the Opening Credits Roll. Royalty-free cool-Jazz background music is playing, indicating that something SEXY is happening in 1997 or you're in the bathroom at a W Hotel.


ANASTASIA towels herself off and exits the bathroom. Her roommate KATE, a petite but busty blond 36-year-old college student is laying on her bed in a tight yellow cocktail dress, masturbating. KATE is startled.



Hey there Kate. I see you're having fun.



What can I say, Ana, ever since I started dating Mike, I'm just too hot and bothered all the time, I just want everyone. And I mean... everyone.


KATE lovingly caresses ANA's towel.


ANASTASIA (Lovingly)

 Lucky you. Ever since Dave and I broke up, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get touched again. Except by you, haha.



Fuck Dave. He was a shit.


ANA playfully pushes KATE'S hand away and they both laugh, then lock eyes. They caress their faces together. The mood turns erotic.



 Before we do this, I have to tell you -- I've only been with another woman one other time today.



 Don't worry, I'll take care of you.


JARRINGLY loud synthesized Wind Chimes start playing, as though someone accidentally leaned on a keyboard. But they keep playing, so I guess that's the actual music?


KATE disrobes ANA, who is wearing red lace lingerie with garters and a thong under her towel. They proceed to have sex, mostly by kissing each others' boobs but at one point they're kind of nondescriptly thrusting into one another, but they seem to enjoy it. Camera pans over to the window to indicate simultaneous double-orgasm.



 That was great, but I'm late for my big interview with Grey.



 Christian Grey? He's the most important businessman in the city! And I hear he's really sexy too. Maybe you'll finally get some action.



 Haha, shut up!


ANA playfully slaps KATE. KATE grabs her hand and they lock eyes, then start kissing. ANA and KATE have sex again in the shower for six minutes.


CUT TO: Interior, Office Building


GREY (On the phone)

 Oh yeah? Well that's bullshit. You close the damn deal now or else fuck.


GREY hangs up the phone.



 Yes! Closed 'em. Now, what can I do for you, sexy? And I mean, DO.


ANASTASIA (Holding a little notepad and pencil)

 I see your reputation as a flirt certainly proceeds you.



 I'm just an aggressive man. Especially when I know, what I want


GREY begins massaging ANA's shoulders. She pushes him away.



 Oh please. You think your cheap flirty tricks are gonna work on me? A sophisticated journalist woman?



 Check this out.


GREY does that illusion where you pretend you're pulling your finger off.





ANA and GREY have sex in the office. A single saxophone note blares, then just holds for 7 straight minutes. ANA then straddles his stomach area on top of the desk and that's intercourse somehow. There is a phycus in the corner of the room to indicate that it is an office.



 Come fly away with me in my helicopter.



 Twist my arm.


CUT TO: Interior, GREY'S House



 Wow. That was SOME helicopter ride.



 You know what else would be some ride? You.


They proceed to have sex in the kitchen. A sexy maid walks in, sees them, and leans against the wall, touching her own boobs because she is so turned on. Then she joins in.


KATE shows up too and starts having sex with a COP and a PIRATE. Three 'ALIEN' women also materialize in the kitchen (They're just naked regular women with some neon pink paint speckled on them) and they have sex with each other and also GREY and KATE.


The 9 Characters then take turns having sex in every possible configuration.


ANASTASIA (Laughing contently)

 I think could get used to these Fifty Shades of Grey!


Credits Roll overtop footage of five naked cheerleaders we haven't seen before showering in a kitchen.