Hey there, lovebirds! Does smooching leave you confused? Kissing leave you wishing? Well, never navigate the landscape of the mouth without a map again. It's time to pucker up and learn the definitive moves that are guaranteed to be downright awful, no question about it. And voila! No more confusion when you're smoochin'! Xoxo!
Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe.
7 Kissing Techniques Guaranteed to Make You a Bad Kisser
By Will Stephen
Hey there, lovebirds! Does smooching leave you confused? Kissing leave you wishing? Well, never navigate the landscape of the mouth without a map again. It's time to pucker up and learn the definitive moves that are guaranteed to be downright awful, no question about it. And voila! No more confusion when you're smoochin'! Xoxo! The Whack-a-Mole The tongue is best used as a battering ram, and it's high time you embrace it as such. Simply withdraw and insert, withdraw and insert as quickly and irrhythmically as you can. You see, kissing is a game of quantity, not quality, so you should just treat your partner's mouth as you would the buttons of a Street Fighter 2 arcade game. Mash away, Romeo. The Slop Sandwich Making out requires some serious lubrication. And thanks to Mother Nature, you've got an endless supply in your very own salivary glands. So treat your mouth like a slip-and-slide, and let it flow! Your partner will surely appreciate the buckets of juices they are receiving in and around their face. After all, it's what makes you such a giving lover. The Woodpecker Why delve into the recesses of the mouth when you can just hop around its outskirts? Leave your partner speechless with your bird-like precision, pecking at their face like you're building a home for your children. I mean, what could possibly be more gratifying and enticing than splotches of saliva left around their face like chicken pox? The Loose Coma There is nothing sexier than being yourself, especially if you're just relaxed, without a care in the world. So next time you're making out with a grade-A hottie, simply be your asleep self. That way, all your partner's dreams can come true... The Time-Is-a-Flat-Circle If we truly are slaves to a preordained schema of space and time, bound to repeat our actions over and over ad infinitum, then you might as well get a head start with your mouth. Just do the exact same movement over and over again until your partner gets up and leaves. This has already happened anyway, and determinism is sexy. The Full Court Press Being proactive is super, super attractive, always, without exception. So the next time you feel a kiss coming on, straight up roll into your partner's face like a tank. It will be so mindblowingly erotic, they might not even be able to stand, and might get a bump on their forehead, or a light concussion. But all is fair in love and war. The Clockwork Orange EYE CONTACT IS SUPER HOT. EVEN IF IT'S ONE-WAY. JUST KEEP IT UP. DO NOT STOP. WHATEVER YOU DO... DO NOT STOP.