There will always be dumb, catchy pop songs on the radio. Sometimes they're very dumb! This isn't new! But the only thing dumber than turning on a Top 40 station and being somehow shocked that they're not blasting The Velvet Underground or Neutral Milk Hotel or whatever is wasting energy arguing over which indescernibly-fine three-minute catchy dance song is AMAZING and which one is TOTAL GARBAGE.
They're pop songs. You can like them or not. You don't need a friggin' manifesto at-the-ready to defend your love or hate for them. Plus at the end of the day, you do realize you're basically arguing over which M&M flavor is the best and which one SUCKS?
[Announcer says something obvious]
"OH REALLY? THANKS FOR THE INSIGHT, GENIUS"
[Announcer says something not-obvious]
"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? JUST ANNOUNCE THE DAMN GAME"
[Announcer says something completely bland and unobjectionable, because he is just some guy saying what is happening for three hours a night, 100 times per year]
"UGHHHH I CAN'T STAND THESE STUPID ANNOUNCERS! WHY DON'T YOU STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND INSTEAD DO WHATEVER I APPARENTLY WANT SPORTS ANNOUNCERS TO DO!!!! Also why do you HATE my team???"
Speaking of "what do you complaining people actually want out of this?", The Oscars / Emmys / Grammys / etc. all annually fall into the "Terrible" to "That Was Long And OK" range, yet all somehow manage to elicit a renewed FURY from shocked internetters every single year as though they expected something phenomenal and can't believe an Awards Show would selfishly dash those hopes. (And yes, the internet gets mad at everything, but it gets extra special GRR-GRR mad about Awards Shows).
With Twitter, bad awards shows are now just like, making fun of a dumb movie with hundreds of your friends. Then if they DO end up being good, then cool, they're good.
ALSO! If the movie you're rooting for doesn't win, it's ok! You can still have watched and enjoyed that movie.
To anyone who's ever said "The Super Bowl commercials SUCKED this year", a quick reminder: Super Bowl commercials have ALWAYS sucked. Or at best have been, like, "oh. Hm. That was cute."
Before you complain about a given year's crop of Super Bowl ads, think to yourself, what are the BEST memorable Super Bowl ads of all time? Frogs saying "Budweiser"? A baby that wants to fuck Tyra Banks? That's as good as these things get, people. They are at best acceptable, and at worst terrible, and there's no reason getting mad when they aren't, like, incredible, subversive comedy masterpieces.
Also, the best Super Bowl ad of all time was one that didn't even air.
Like every super-hip coolguy who moved to New York in their twenties, I used to harbor an intense, illogical and utterly unfounded hatred of Los Angeles. It's just so FAKE, y'know? Everyone there is some dumbass star-fucking actor trying to "make" it and they won't even make your COFFEE if you don't convince them you're a modeling agent. Also the pizza there SUCKS! You literally cannot eat a slice of pizza anywhere in that city of 16 million people without going EWWWWWW!!!!!
Then, of course, I went there a few times and was like "oh, this is very nice and never gets cold and there's lots to do here. But is it GRITTY, like my GRITTY BROOKLYN life?? PSHHH." [Watches Cutthroat Kitchen repeat at 2 am while eating hummus with Doritos]
Growing up in Pittsburgh, I immediately gravitated towards their three pro teams and grew to love football, hockey and baseball. Conversely, because I was an asshole teen who believed I had opinions on things, this also meant I HATED basketball, soccer, golf, boxing, tennis, The Olympics, and any other sports that I didn't watch constantly and therefore SHOULD NOT BE ENJOYED BY ANYONE.
Turns out, if you're not a lifelong soccer fan, you ARE allowed to watch the World Cup and enjoy it without getting into constant, ferocious arguments about the validity of a sport you don't enjoy as much as some other sports. There isn't a finite number of valid things to like. You can just watch and like whatever! Or not! It's up to you! It's guaranteed in the Third Amendment! (aka The Quartering Soldiers & Enjoying Whatever Stuff Ya Want Amendment)
Like every snappy elevator small-talker, I used to find it QUITE CONVERSATIONWORTHY when the weather report said one thing and the actual weather turned out to be different. Who are these weather people?? What a buncha boobs! Just say the real weather instead of the fake weather ya big dumdums!!!
Then I read Nate Silver's book (read-a-bookle brag!) and he makes an impassioned data-filled case in favor of weather reports, about how they've improved exponentially in the past few decades and how disaster predictions save thousands of lives now that they didn't used to and how they're using incredibly advanced technology to essentially nail down an infinite range of outcomes and etc, etc etc WHATEVER DUDE.
Sometimes the weather's wrong. I guess there's more important stuff to be mad about. It's not like the weathermen critically mis-adapted a scene from the Game of Thrones books or anything. We can lay off.
I'm sure Age 13-22 Dan had his reasons, but whoops! I was way off on this one. These people are actually just swell.
Other examples? Leave 'em in the comments! Or if you still just hate everything, that's fine too. I am well aware that this is still the internet.
(Pics via Shutterstock)