Wow! That was a hell of a skate. Hell of a skate! Perfect score!

Whew! First skater, too! Some fans are just getting to their seats. Sorry, folks, you just missed a perfect skate. Show up on time! Ha!

Hell of a skate. Would suck to be this second skater.


That wasn't a mistake was it? To give a perfect score to the first skater?

...Yeeeeeah.... No. No! Relax. You're the judge, it's your call.

And yes I'm a new-ish judge and yes I've never judged above the junior level. But you know what, the Olympics wanted me here because I know what I'm doing.

I mean, you can't wait your whole life for some sort of super-human performance before you give out a perfect score. By that logic, you'd NEVER give out a perfect score!

Wow, this second skater is really good. Really REALLY good.

I'm just ... starting to get a feeling like maybe it was a mistake to give a perfect score to the first skater.

...Noooooo. Yeah, no. It's fine. You know why? The first skater threw down a flawless triple-triple. End. Of. Story.

Well, not flawless but pretty damn close.

And yeah the second skater looks really, really good--wow, how did he bend like that? Jesus--but this is the EASY PART of his routine. He's not gonna nail the triple-triple, and that's why the first skater gets a perfect score. No way he nails it. Here it comes. He's gonna miss it. Miss it. MISS IT!


That seemed REALLY clean. Like perfect-clean. Like I'm-suddenly-seeing-flaws-in-the-first-guy-clean.

What score do I give him?

I can't give him a perfect score. Two perfect scores? They'll think I'm insane!

Or can I? I mean what if the first two skaters just happened to be perfect? That COULD happen! Unlikely things happen. Two alpine skiers finish in a dead-heat for gold. Russia goes a week without a sectarian bloodbath. It's a crazy world.

Another perfect score would kind of paint me in a corner so I gotta be sure. I'm sure, right? 
....Yeeeeeeah. No yeah, I'm doing it. Perfect score!

Boom! Cool. I feel good! Sometimes it just feels good to make a decision.

Bottom line: I'm the judge. And I'm the judge because regardless of how many months experience I have, the Olympics wanted ME -- not some other John Smith -- ME. 
Unless ... Could they have been trying to contact a different John Smith? Like maybe a John Smith who had previous experience with figure skating?

...Noooooo. Yeah no, I'm their guy. They wanted me to get their email, learn about figure skating, become a judge at middle school skating competitions, and come judge the Olympic finals a few months later. Relax!

And I'm doing FINE. Yes, both my scores have been thrown out, but that happens to every judge occasionally. If your score isn't getting thrown out, you're doing something wrong, actually.
As long as this third skater isn't super-human, I'm fine.

Hmm... Third Skater's getting really big applause. Like REALLY big. Like the-first-two-skaters-were-nobodies-and-the-third-skater-is-a-superstar-big.  

Crap. Third Guy is way better. I can already tell from the way he started skating.
Crap crap crap.

Okay, you know what? That's fine if Third Guy's better on paper, the first two skaters had PERFECT routines.

Well, not perfect. They stumbled a little bit in the middle. And near the end. But still, they were certainly the best routines I've ever seen. I mean, some of their stuff I literally can't picture a 13-year-old girl anywhere pulling off.

So yeah Third Guy might be a celebrity but until he throws down a triple-triple, I'm--
What was that! That was like five rotations! What do you even call that?! A quintuple-axle? Oh God. He just did a quintuple?!

What score do I give him?

Crap crap crap.

Um ... okay, he gets a perfect score. End of story. The other judges can glare at me all they want--

What? The IOC president just asked me if my scoring meter was broken. No. Why would you ask that? Why would you fucking ask that?! Jerk! I know what I'm doing! How dare you question Clinton Smith?!

Wait. Is it possible the Olympics were trying to contact a John Smith whose real first name is John and not a Clinton John Smith who's only called "John" by his aunt?

No. The Olympics wanted me because THAT's who they contacted a few weeks after I stole the john_smith gmail address from some 70-year-old former figure skater.

Why is NBC showing me on the Jumbotron? Are the NBC announcers talking about me?! No. Come on, it's the kiss-cam. Alright, I'll kiss the judge next to me--there, kiss on the lips. I'll play your silly game. Can we get back to skating now?

Why are security guards coming towards me?!

Hey, get off me! I'm a judge! I'm supposed to be here!

You'll see I'm right -- watch the fourth skater and you'll see that--Jesus. He's doing quintuple axles from the starting position? Oh god, so many quintuples!