I know you guys are all thinking: OH MY GOD! A GUY!? WRITING AN ARTICLE!? FOR COLLEGEHUMOR!? I thought only GIRLS were funny! Well guess what, lesbians? Guys go to college too! Guys party and drink and have fun! So why can't they write articles on CollegeHumor?! I see all these articles written from girl's perspective, and think "HEY I CAN DO THAT!" So here I am, giving it a shot! I'm just gonna go out and say it!

I fake orgasms.

There! Is your mouth agape? Are your eyes peeled? Are your bananas… a grape? Didn't think so. That's right, gals, what you dont know about us guys is that about 50% of the time we're not really splooging in your vagina, most of the time it's krispy kreme glaze. Pretty sweet, huh? One time I used Elmers glue- talk about a sticky situation! One time I used my brothers cum… as hair gel…

I feel like I'm leading a guy's movement here! A new revolution! Did you girls know that prior to 1776 a male could not vote in a presidential election? That's like only 200 some odd years ago- pretty frightening statistics eh?

So why do we do it!? Well, many reasons actually!

Reason Number One: We don't want you to feel inadequate! We mostly feel bad for you girls. You girls try so hard to get us into the sack, that the moment some of us finally give into your cheesy come on lines and wanton flirting your vaginas are already moister than wonder bread in a sauna. (BEEN THERE! DONE THAT! Cut To: Me eating the soggiest fucking sandwich ever). And FAR AFTER you guys have already orgasmed like nine times, most of us are still flaccid and thinking about more important stuff: Slowing down the nuclear arms race, ending the war in chechnya etc. So we pretty much HAVE to fake it. And it's not like you guys "OOO ! OH YAH!! THERE IT IS!! FILL ME UP GOOD!" For us we have to show physical evidence! It's much much harder! But nothing some slight of hand and watered down cream cheese can't fix. I'm sorry fellas! I Feel like I'm giving away all our secrets! BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST!!

Reason Number Two: It Still Feels Fabulous. Unlike girls who need to orgasm 14-30 times in a night to feel any satisfaction whats so ever, guys love sex just because it involves slight penis pressure. One time a cat grazed my sack and I was good to go for weeks. We dont have to "EXPLODE" like you gals all think we have to! For us, sex is about one thing and one thing only: Sort of cumming but not.

Reason Number Three: It's God-Awful and needs to stop. Guys have all been there. You're with a super hot chick, like a supermodel type, and she's all over you all night 'cuz your cool new t shirt fits really really really well. And you decide to put morals aside for one night and give in to hedonistic temptations. She tries everything she can to get you off: Oral, anal, ocular, ear…al. But it just doesnt feel right. After about 4 hours of trying and trying to pleasure you, you excuse yourself, get a glue gun and do your best "Billy Crystal watching Meg Ryan at a deli" imitation. She doesn't feel offended because she was able to FINALLY get you off, and you can go back to reading your favorite book: The Leonardy Da Vinci Code.

I'm probably gonna get a lot of flack about this from guys AND girls. I'm sorry ladies for stealing your precious CollegeHumor.com space! I promise you can have as many front page updates as you want in the future. But I just felt I needed to rise up ONCE and speak for mankind. And for those guys who think I broke a sacred code by divulging this information, it's nothing they haven't seen on the Man Show or Sex and the City.

Disclaimer: The article you just read contains enough parody to send The Onion crumblng down and should not have been read by any males or females. Furthermore, collegehumor.com does not condone use of using glue guns on a vagina, unless for preaching abstience purposes, in which case, seal that vagina right up, nobody's gettin in till marriage night.

Two things to make you have a bitchin' weekend: Maxim and Stuff for $10 and hotlinks. That's the jam.