I once read somewhere that men spend 1/16th of their lives on the toilet. Actually, I probably read that on the toilet. Women are fascinated – and disgusted – by our love of the throne. "Why do they stay in there so long?" they ask. "What could you possibly be doing in there?" they demand. Ladies, I am here to answer your questions and explain our love of the toilet.

Number one (or number two), we like the privacy. It's really the only place that we can sit down and think without any interruptions. Nobody would dare venture in the bathroom when we are doing our business and for good reason. Like the blowfish or the chameleon, men have a built in defense mechanism. When we are bugged and pestered to do things, we retreat to the bathroom and emit noxious gas to keep others away from us. It works so well, you would be hard pressed to find a woman who is willing to open the door and go in when her man is on the can. Clearly she would not survive such an adventure. Nature is a mysterious, beautiful thing.

Because we are afforded such seclusion, men get most of their reading done on the toilet as well. But we don't read just an article or just a chapter; we read the whole damn thing. That accounts for most of the time spent in there – hey, "War and Peace" is a pretty damn long book. The actually "making" time is no more than yours, but we like to linger and catch up on those "really funny articles" in Playboy. Also, we can read pornography in the bathroom without your eyes glaring shamefully at us. Plus, we don't have time to read outside the bathroom" you're always making us change a light bulb or a kill a bug.

The bathroom also gives men conversation topics with other men. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard a conversation open with "Man, I took the biggest shit today." The conversers will go on to talk about texture, color and duration before having a good laugh at the misfortune of the protagonist. It may sound disgusting to you, but it's funny to us. Fart jokes and bathroom stories have been a part of the male humor personality since an intrepid caveman put his lips to his hand and blew the first fart noise. Any man, from 1 to 100 will laugh at a fart and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so stop trying.

Most of all, the bathroom is our territory. Men have been losing tracts of household to their women for years and years. The deck used to be a place for grilling with you bros – now it's full of planters and wicker furniture. The living room used to be a haven for sports memorabilia and inflatable furniture – now it's got drapes and a Glade Plug-In. The kitchen used to be the place where you stacked the pizza boxes and kept the beer cold – now the fridge is filled with carrots and there's a bowl of wooden fruit on the counter. Even the garage, which used to house tools and a 65' Mustang, has been turned into a "craft studio" for your lady to make those tea cozies your Mom loves so much. But the bathroom" the bathroom is ours! Go ahead ladies, put some matching towels and some decorative soap in, but don't you dare take away our magazine stack. Ladies can decorate all they want in the bathroom but they cannot touch the inherent masculinity of the space. No matter how you slice it, the toilet is a male piece of furniture.

So, ladies, that is why we adore this room so. We love you and will happily surrender many aspects of our lives to you, but do not disturb our bathroom habits. In this crazy world, that's the one thing we can count on. No matter how hard our day had been and how much the world had beaten us down, we always know we can sit on the toilet, reflect and come out feeling better. Don't bang on the door. Don't ask ridiculous questions while we're doing our business. And please, please, don't feel like you should be as open about your bathroom habits as we are about ours" that's F-ing disgusting.