The Streety Awards II: Winners
Well folks, all the votes are in and the winners are ready to be announced. Let's skip all the pageantry and get right to it.
Who Farted? I thought Keenan might have farted, I thought Cedric the Entertainer might have farted, I even thought the dog could have done it. But it was made very clear to me that Oprah did, in fact, fart. An overwhelming majority (%87) of you finger the oversized talk show host as the doer of the deed. The dog ran a distant second with the other %10 of the vote. I'm really surprised not many of you voted for Keenan; do you know how gassy Good Burgers make you?
Funniest Political News Program. "This just in, President Bush and his whole administration are officially messengers from God and temples should be built to them across this great land." That, in a few words or more, is the angle we've all been hearing from a little show called FOX News. And %45 of you thought that it was the funniest of them all. I would have liked to see The Daily Show take this category, but I guess things are funnier when they aren't meant to be" like your grandma walking into a screen door.
Worst Nickname. Nobody wants to be called Skidmark or Slutron 2000 or Herp. But NOBODY wants to be called Le Douche. With a narrow majority, Le Douche has been voted the worst nickname to have. Second place went to Herp. Third went to Skidmark. And fourth went to Slutron 2000. I suppose Slutron 2000 came in last because some men, like me, wouldn't mind being a bit sluttier" if I could.
Best new Sports Trend. Hey, I've got an idea. Let's play a sport where the main goal is to make sure all the fat kids are eliminated from the game first. It'll be fun; we can throw stuff at them and they won't be able to get out of the way because they're fat. I call it" Dodgeball! And %39 of you agree that this game is absolutely fantatstic. Nobody likes fat people when they're sitting next to you in class breathing through their mouths, but they're fun as hell when you're winging a rubberball-of-shame at them!
Most Unfunny Person Still Making Horrible Movies. Admittedly, this was a hard category to write; mainly because most of the people on the list are still capable of making an entertaining movie. But one certainly isn't and %78 of you agree with me on that point. Congratulations, Rob Schneider" no one thinks you're funny! Interesting fact: Mr. Schneider once hit on my sister in Hawaii and tried to get her to join him for a drink" when she was 17! Thank god my kid sister is smart, she didn't accept. I would've taken him up on that in a heartbeat.
Bets Formerly Funny TV Show That Has Overstayed Its Welcome. This category produced a lot of anger in you guys. Perhaps me including The Simpsons on the list was a bad move, but I stand behind it even if that makes me "a total fucking idiot" to some of you. But that is a moot point considering the winner of this category is That 70s Show. Yes, we all thought it was funny when Kelso said silly things and Mr. Foreman called people dumbasses, but we can only take so much. But it is time for That 70s Show to go the way of its bastard child, That 80s Show. Goodbye Fez, goodbye Jackie, goodbye Eric, your time has come. Don't worry, I'm sure the OC will have a place for all of you. I personally liked Saved By The Bell; The Deadend Career years, but I think some of you figured out I made that up.
Best Fake Breasts. Well, the readers of Collegehumor.com have stayed true to their biases. Judging by the amount of Lohan boobs we see on this site, she was shoo in for this category. The truth is none of us know if they're real, but that is only because she won't let any of us touch them. Pam Anderson runs a distant second place with a respectable %27 of the vote. But what is truly disgusting about this is that some of you voted for Condi Rice" which meant you thought about her breasts. Don't you know you can be locked in prison without trial for a stunt like that? Try being smarter in the future.
Best Line For Getting A Freshman Girl To Go Home With You. A guy walks into a bar. He sits down an orders a drink when he sees this stunning freshman girl walking over to him. She sits down right next to him and orders a drink. The guy really wants to get her home so he turns to her and says" "I live off campus." Apparently that has either worker on or for you in the past because %42 of you think that is the best line for snagging some underage A. Personally, I find that "Hi" works the best. You can currently see me using that outside of the party, leaning on the hood of my 86 Camero, blasting "More Than a Feeling."
Best Chin. Our first tie of the contest! Many people have been known for having great features such as eyes, abs, and even asses. But a chin is a more refined commodity. To be known for your chin is a great honor in this culture. That's why Jay Leno and Ashlee Simpson have done so well. Each of these fine people received %38 of the vote. Jay, what can be said about your chin at this point that some unfunny comedian hasn't said already? But Ashlee, of all the pieces of you we like, it's that sharp, dimpled, protruding chin we like the most. Sorry Michael Moore, just because you have three weak ones, you are no match for Jay or Ashlee's strong ones.
Male Celebrity I Would Most Like To Fight. Remember a few categories when I said that only Lohan knows if they're real or not? Well, I was wrong, someone else does too. And his name is Valmer Kieldkajbdbasu or something like that. But we all know him better as Fez from That 70s Show. That little bastard gets to touch those behemoths on a regular basis and that may be why he won this category. An astonishing %81 of you want to beat that crazy foreigner down and I can't blame you. Most of the rest of your votes went to Frankie Munitz, but it doesn't really matter; almost anyone could take both of them out alone.
Best Celebrity Famous For No Reason. Was there ever really any question who would win this one? Of course, Paris Hilton takes the honor away from her sister Nicky Hilton, her Uncle Ebeneezer Hilton III, and her black illegitimate half-cousin, Wendell "chubs" Hilton. This socialite princess has sucked and fucked her way into our hearts and who didn't cry when they heard that her little shit of a dog, Tinkerbell, went missing? Yeah, I'm sure she would be a lot of fun to hang with but that doesn't mean she has any reason for being famous. Paris, you may be untalented in acting, singing and being nice to poor people, but you certainly know how to suck a"
Funniest Movie of the Summer: I had a hard time writing up the options for this one. You know when you think of all these CDs you want but the second you get to the record store you can't remember one of them and end up buying "Under the Table and Dreaming" for the fifth time? Well, that was like what I went through with this. Sadly, my favorite, Napoleon Dynamite, did not win. Perhaps not a lot of you saw it in which case I would advise you to do so at once. But someone had to win and "Without a Paddle" did. Congratulations Seth and company! But the real winner here is the one I made up, "Streeter walks into screen door." Not that it is real, or that it would even be funny, but because it got this vote here, "Funniest Movie of the Summer 4. "Streeter Walks Into Screen Door" (Home Movie)(and the prequel, "Streeter Gets Awesome "'Job' from Adoring Iowa Gal and Loses His Ability to Walk Straight)" I would love to see that.
Best Way to Drink a Beer. The closest battle of the Streetys was in this category here. We all have our favorite way to drink a beer. Mine happens to be sitting in the dark, naked and Indian style with my roommate videotaping. But with %30 of the vote, you seem to think the best way to drink a beer is to "CHUG, CHUG, CHUG." True to your collegiate minds, you have picked wisely. While a shotgun and a beerbong are interesting and effective, nothing beats 20 people cheering you on as you desperately gulp down huge sips from a plastic cup. Oh, I did have one interesting write in on this one. This young man simply wrote, "on the toilet." I do not want to party with that guy. "Hey dude, grab a cold one. They're right here in the bathtub" and would you wipe my ass while you're here?"
Most Essential Item For Freshmen. Ah, Freshman year. The booze, the parties, the kid that did dookie in the hall" such great memories. But such great times cannot happen without certain items. And %47 of you thought that condoms and birth control pills were the most essential. I would have needed those things if I ever got any ass freshman year, but instead all I needed were tissues and a locked door. Even though these prophylactic devices won the award, one of you pointed out a very important truth; if you have Dad's credit card, you can buy all the other things. Touché, my friend, touché.
Preferred Brand of Toe-less Shoe. Maybe I'm the only one to remember really wanting Tevas because not many of you voted for that. Maybe I was right when I assumed not a lot of hippies read this because Birkenstocks didn't even get a lot of votes. Maybe you guys aren't quite as chill as I thought because even Reefs didn't get that many. My worst fears have been confirmed, you are all poor, white trash. And your preferred brand of toeless shoe is none other than K-Mart Red Light Special- Canvas Deck Flip Flop $3.99. Hey, I'm not judging you; they're a great deal, they last a reasonable amount of time, and people might even give you spare change when they see you wearing them. I know my Dad likes them and you do too!
Best Snack Cracker. Sometimes things happen that you don't expect: you might win the lotto one day, your car could get a flat for no reason, or you might even make out with me at some point. Thus was the case with this category. I had no idea how intense you guys are about your choice in snack cracker. Many of vehemently defended your choice and threatened those who prefer something else. I got votes like "Ritz are the shit and anyone who doesn't think so is fucking retarded" and "Saltines; if you like Toastables you should kill yourself today." Ok guys, they're just crackers" calm down. Congratulations to Wheat Thins for taking home the Streety with %34 of the vote. But they should watch out, some of those Toastables people may be hunting them down as we speak.
Worst Excuse For Missing Class. We have all missed a class at some point and many of us have had to defend our absence with a lame excuse. And %40 of you thought that "my house got stolen" was the worst one you could ever use. But I have to say I disagree. I have killed off so many people in my family over the past 4 years that the only one left alive is me. What is a worse excuse than "I died"? Don't believe me, try it out for yourself and watch your professor laugh at you as the nurses drag you back to the hospital.
How Good at Football Were You in High School. Once again, my assumptions about you guys have been proved correct. You are un-athletic like me and you're also perverts like me. I say this because "the bench has never been so warm" and "more interested in the cheerleaders" were the top two selections getting %48 and %42 respectively. The sad thing is the cheerleaders wont talk to us and if the football players saw us sitting on their bench they would beat us up. Oh well, at least we haven't ruined our penises with steroids. Trust me, I check to make sure mine's working at least three times a day.
Funniest Movie When You Were 9. Like the snack crackers, many of you got quite violent with this one. Yes, Bill Murray was a riot in Ghostbusters and Tom Hanks had us all in stitches when he danced around that big keyboard. But %41 of you thought that watching "Mac" run amuck around NYC was just about the funniest thing in the world" when you were nine. I used to want to be him but then I realized that if criminals were chasing me around NYC I would probably just pee myself and cry as they stuffed me into a trunk and buried me somewhere in Jersey" Jesus, that would suck.
Best Place Celebrities Go To Die. I heard once that all the elephants in Africa go to this one place to die. If celebrities were elephants (and some of them are pretty close) then %67 of you thought that Celebrity Squares would be their final resting place. I can't really argue this one. Although, I do believe the Surreal Life is going to gain some serious ground in this category. I mean, they have Uncle Joey and Flava Flav on now. Does it get sadder than that?
The New Black Is" Your sister's boyfriend. Yes, that was a bit racy (maybe even a little racist) but I couldn't resist. It's just too funny. And %49 of you agree with me. The only trouble with your sister having a black boyfriend is that he would almost certainly not be afraid of you (if you're white). I know a lot of black people and they are not afraid of me in the least. And scaring your sister's new boyfriend is a very key part of keeping her safe. Thank god my sister's boyfriend is English" I'll always be able to scare him.
Thanks to all of you who voted in the second Streety Awards. We'll be back in two months with all new categories. Congratulations to all the winners and may all of you get home safe.
*three weeks of no skipped classes and going strong
The Streety Awards II: Winners