I know that the my columns are supposed to be about sex, relationships, and NYC life, but I am not having a lot of gratuitous sex right now, I am not in any relationships, and today my New York City life consisted of sleeping in, running errands, and going to see the movie Thirteen going on Thirty.

After the movie, I felt very inspired and connected to my youth. I felt as if my thirteen-year-old self was trapped inside of me, screaming out stories from my angst ridden past. So, I went to DTUT to write this column. I wrote a great column. I sat back to edit my work feeling that, at last, the short, plump teenager from my past was satiated. Then the guy next to me unplugged the power strip from the wall. My computer turned off since my wonky laptop doesn’t have a working battery. I restarted it, and then searched for my saved work. Thankfully, I found the file. Unfortunately, it was one sentence long. Apparently my hard drive is nearing the end of its sad existence. I was livid. I hated my computer, I hated myself for not being able to afford a new one, and I really hated the man who unplugged the power strip. I dealt with my anger by calling the man a bad, bad name. He dealt with his anger by calling me a cunt. Can I use that word on collegehumor.com? Oh well, I just did. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. That was fun.

So eventually I will re-write, “ The Days of Bat Mitzvahs and Bodysuits”, but for now please read this instead.

This morning, before going to the cinema, I watched a movie on Oxygen entitled, “My Sexiest Mistake.” It was about a romance author whose writing suffered because she lacked a sex life. So, logically, her publisher decides to set her up with a jigilow. She goes ahead and has sex with the jigilow, but it was all a crazy case of mistaken identity. In a unsuspecting and daring plot twist, the audience finds out that the man she had sex with was not a jigilow at all! Yes, that’s right, he was just a handsome, recently divorced, sensitive man looking for love. Maybe the guys at collegehumor.com should get me a jigilow, and then I could star in the sequel entitled, “My Sexiest Mistake Gave me Herpes.”

There is an old man sitting across from me pretending to read his newspaper. I know he is pretending because the paper is upside down and he is making suggestive gestures at me.

I went to the bar last weekend and stayed out until 5 AM!!
Now I know the chances of starting a relationship with a guy I meet at a bar are very slim, but I can’t help getting my hopes up. Three of my friends have met their boyfriends at bars. Three! So, there I was, all shaved, showered, and flossed, sipping my Heineken and trying to look both aloof and delicious. I saw a man eyeing me from across the room. I played out an ideal conversation in my head.

Man: Hey.
Mindy: Hey.
Man: You have a boyfriend?
Mindy: Nope.
Man: I don’t mean to pry. I just find you so attractive, yet I know that there is more to life than looks, and so I want to really get to know you. I want to find out what makes you the special person you are today. Those are my reasons for attempting to, so abruptly, delve into your past.
Mindy: Thank you for being so straightforward, honest, and articulate.
Man: Your welcome. So, how long ago was your last relationship?
Mindy: It was a while ago, if you can even call it a relationship.
Man: What happened?
Mindy: He was a gay.
Man: Wow, that must have been a experience that led you to feel both physically violated and emotional scarred. I bet you have issues with trust that we will need to work out together.
Mindy: How right you are. I will second guess everything you do or say, be wary of all your relationships with your guy friends, and at times lash out at you in a fierce anger that is beyond my control.
Man: And I will cook for you, use your body to try out massage techniques, and patiently attempt to create a happy, healthy, loving life with you.

I quickly snapped to attention when I saw that the man from across the room was approaching me. Our actual conversation went something like this:

Man: Hey.
Mindy: Hey.
Man: You have a boyfriend?
Mindy: Nope, the last guy I was with was gay.
Man: Bummer.
Mindy: Yup.
Man: You wanna make out?
Mindy: Sure!

After making out against a cold, sticky wall, I continued my morning at the bar.

Short Sweaty Man: Hey.
Mindy: Hey.
SSM: I work for Goldman Sachs.
Mindy: (toothless smile)
SSM: I’m going to Japan tomorrow for business.
Mindy: (facial expression that connotes something like, “And you’re telling me this because . . .”)
SSM: Wanna give me a memorable send off?
Mindy: (pretending to mull it over)
SSM: I live around the corner.

Harmless Cross-eyed Man: Hey.
Mindy: Hey.
HCM: I think you’re pretty.
Mindy: Thanks.
HCM: I have Trivia Pursuit on DVD. Wanna come home with me?
Mindy: (pretending to mull it over)
HCM: I live around the corner.

Horny Aggressive Man: Top or bottom babe?
Mindy: (pretending to mull it over)
HAM: LET’S GO!! I live around the corner.

Apparently, many men beleive that it helps their game if they live around the corner from the bar. These men don’t realize that, unless the girl is incoherent, geographic location only factors in at about 7% when sober and 18% when safely drunk.

The man sitting across from me has put down his newspaper and is walking towards me. He is talking to me, but I am pretending to be busy writing so he’ll leave. Yet, I have trouble writing when other people are talking to me. Still, I must look busy and keep my eyes on the screen. Sljdf n3 asldkj( laksdjf f9d aldj ajb lah blah blah blah mindy mindy mindy is my name, yo yo yo rutabaga rutabaga watermelon watermelon hubbub hubbub, I have a little dreidel. I made it out of clay. And when it’s dry and ready, oh dreidel we will play. Oooooh dr— Ok, he’s gone. He asked me what I was writing. I told him about the column and gave him the link. Maybe he is reading this column right now. Not my now (since I am still writing and have yet to post it on the site) but the now of you, who is reading this. Unless, of course, you have printed it out, saved it, and it’s now 2025. Then it would be silly to think that the man from DTUT would be reading this at the same time as you . . . unless you are the man from the DTUT.

Leave me alone you freak!
Just turn off your computer and walk away!
Let me go already!