Formals are just insane college parties with people dressed nicer. You still chug beer, you still play drinking games, there's always one couple making out half way through it – but you know what really keeps it classy? Suits.

What keeps me from getting too drunk at parties is that I made myself a promise – if I ever hurl in my room, the hallway, or the bathroom, I force myself to clean it up the next day. Actually, I still get just as drunk – but now I have better aim.

When you leave a party at 5:00 AM, no matter how important that call to your girlfriend seems at the time, just let it go. She'll still be there tomorrow. Well, only if you don't call her now.

Why do people prefer parties that are numbered? House Party 3. Big Jam 7. It might be the first time we throw a party, but my fraternity will arbitrarily call it number 28 anyway. We've heard too many first-semester freshmen say, "we can't miss this party man, it's a tradition" not to capitalize on it.

Some people are only comfortable at parties if they are on their way somewhere. You know the guy – he gets a drink, he goes to the bathroom, he walks outside to smoke, he checks his voicemail. Sure, he looks like he's important. But by the end of the night, he's had 15 drinks, peed a dozen times, smoked a pack of cigarettes, and found out that the reason he doesn't have voicemail is because he's never actually talked to anyone.

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