The first time you move in to school, your entire family comes with you. They all want to see the room – as if a 10 × 10 square with a bed, desk and closet could look unique. They're a big help unpacking the 20 boxes and duffel bags you brought, but then they stay way too long. All you want to do is meet people in your hall and get something to eat, but your mom has to arrange your pictures perfectly, you brother has to sit on your bed and complain that he wants to go home while not planning on getting up to actually go, and your dad has to tell you exactly which brand of light bulb you'll need to buy, as well as the history of the company that manufactures it. When you move back in sophomore year, you come by yourself, and don't require any help with anything – and it's not because you learned how to pack more effectively or because you know where your dorm is. It's because you remember how annoying it was to move in with your entire family the first time.

Apparently, "Freshman RA" is not short for "Freshman Resident Advisor". It's short for "Freshman Resident Advisor That Spends Two Days Making Cut-Outs With Everyone's Name and Room Number on Them, Only To Watch the Freshmen Rip Them Down the First Week." Thought I'd clear that up.

Why do people volunteer to be orientation staff? You already have work to do all school year, and this is the one week that all your friends will be in town with nothing to do but party. But hey, spending three days in meetings about how you can help orient people better, a day in 100-degree heat helping people move in while their parents complain to you about things completely out of your control, and then spending five more days tagging along with freshmen as they hook up with each other, looks great on a resume.

How many of you spent at least one of the first few nights of school with someone you met at an orientation program, sharing your lives until 5:00 AM? And, a semester later, how many of you spoke to that person more than once?

You know what the best part of coming back to school is? Pretending you weren't naive as a freshman. The entire freshman class hasn't learned all the names of any of the buildings, can't distinguish any of the fraternities from each other, and thinks they can get into a bar by swearing that they're 21. But your class was different, right?

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