Campus security guards aren't such a protecting force. They don't have guns, they don't have billy clubs, and they're not even allowed to arrest you. But nothing deters a crime like a guy in a funny hat saying, "hey, quit it."

Guards at college have three main jobs – one is to sign people in to a dorm and another is to drive people home when they have too much to drink. Apparently, their third job is too watch soap operas on a TV with bad reception. Talking on the phone and ignoring you when you're trying to speak to them isn't in their job description, but most of them are studying to be receptionists at my doctor's office.

A security guard yelled at me because I was blocking the pathway between the staircase and the elevator. Because so many people take stairs to get to the elevator.

One guard wouldn't let me into my friend's dorm because it was spring semester, and the last validation sticker I had on my ID was from the fall. The guard insisted that I give her current proof of ID. I said, "I think you're a moron, and if I think, therefore I am." She obviously didn't appreciate the philosophy behind it.

I was once pretty loud with a friend of mine on the steps of our library, and campus security came over and told us to settle down. What are they going to do, threaten to drive us home?

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