The thing I hate the most is when someone near me checks their voicemail on speakerphone. The thing I love the most is when I hear it say, "you have no new messages."

Everyone has one guy in the office who knows how to use every feature of his voicemail. You're struggling to change the name that pops up on your co-worker's call ID, and he just used it to check his e-mail, forward calls from his wife to his cell phone, and baste a twelve-pound Turkey.

I don't understand how to use my phone at all. I'm sure that there are a million cool features that I could use if I just read the ten-page manual. But then I'd have to read ten pages about phones.

On my phone at work, you have to dial in your extension and your pass code every time you want to hear your messages. It's a good thing there's so much security. Otherwise anyone could break in to my voicemail and find out that no one ever calls me.

I try to sound professional on my work voicemail, but I still sound like myself. I know some people who try to deepen their voices to sound older. This was okay when you were twelve and calling a girl for the first time. But it's not okay to leave an outgoing message and pretend you're Barry White. "I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Awww, yeah."