I'm pretty sure at one point or another, every guy has had a girl turn to them and say something like, "I'm really glad that we can be such good friends and talk like this." And no matter how hard we try, she will never say follow that with "but it'd be even better if we could talk like this, AND have sex."

Do you ever find yourself constantly apologizing for one of your friends? Stop apologizing, and start making fun of them. That way, someone else can apologize to you.

Every girl eventually has an asshole guy friend – the guy that was interested in her at some point but took a wrong turn that you now have to impress. Some people look for girls that don't have an asshole guy friend. But I wouldn't recommend it – even though it might seem nice for her not to have one at the time, that means the job is still open.

Some girl I met at a bar told me that she wanted my friend, and I wasn't supposed to tell him. Yeah right – that's like laughing with the secret service about how you're going to kill the president.

Every group of friends has a lowest section of the totem poll – you know, the person they usually make fun of and is only really there for the pure entertainment value. The next time you go out with your friends, look around for a few minutes – and pray you can figure out who it is.

Like this column? Then buy the book!