Only in a college town can you get a hot dog and cheese fries at 3:00 AM. And only in a college town will you have spend ten minutes on a line while you wait for it.

My advice is to try to get a dorm with a kitchen. That way you have a place to keep the forks you use to eat all the take-out Chinese food you get every night instead of cooking.

This year, my school added a stir-fry bar to one of the dining halls. Which is great for everyone bored of eating stuff cooked by professionals. Now, we can pay an extra dollar and screw up the meal ourselves.

I had one friend who decided that because the dining hall was all you can eat, he'd get his money's worth. So my 125-pound friend packed on two-dozen extra pounds freshman year from stuffing his face with moderate tasting food every night until he was sick. I don't think he won that battle.

Sometimes, when you ask one of the cashiers to get you something, they get all pissed at you like you are wrong and insensitive to expect them to serve you, and so you get apologetic because you didn't mean to bother them while they were comfortably reading their magazine. But then you realize that they're getting PAID to serve you. Now if you could only impart this knowledge to them somewhat more politely than "hey, my tuition pays your salary," things just might work out.

Like this column? Then buy the book!