At the beginning of every year, you swear that you'll keep up with the readings and get all of your assignments done in time. And every year, you do the first one or two assignments and then get lost behind a pile of backlogged work that you swear you'll get to. You want to know why? Because the only difference between this year and last year is you being 12 months closer to drinking legally.

You see the greatest disparity in alcohol tolerance the first time people get back from the summer. Some of your friends haven't touched a beer since the night after their last final, and some have spent the entire summer on a first name basis with the local bartenders. Regardless of which camp you fall in, it's tough to walk home when half of you are puking and the other half are deciding which bar to go to next.

Columbia students are allowed to "shop around" during the first two weeks of class, in order to decide which section of certain classes they want to be in. Why don't they save us all time and just tell us how many hot girls there are when we register?

The first week of school, your room is very neat, and you have a place for everything. By the end of the semester, you still have a place for everything – the floor.

When a freshman girl hooks up with a much older guy during the first week of school, she tells all her friends that she met a smart, sophisticated, older man. And if he were smart or sophisticated, she wouldn't be that far off.

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