After 2 AM on a weekend, Instant Messenger should have a sobriety test. If you come home and can't type "I'm not saying this because I'm drunk, I really think you should come over" with less than three mistakes, it'd be better off for everyone if you just went to sleep.

I'm going to start marketing "the college diet." You eat normally, but then you binge drink the whole night. Not only do you undigest all the food you had in the last 12 hours, if you do it right you won't want to think about food til about 6:00 the next day. Jenny Craig, eat your heart out.

Passing out on your bed with a high blood alcohol level is nothing. Waking up the next day still legally drunk – now that's impressive.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender tells you to call ahead if you can't make it so he doesn't worry.

I have a number of friends who get drunk on different amounts. But the one thing they all do is try to convince me how they're not drunk. You just made out with the trashy girl from your freshman floor, threw a drink at the big guy at the end of the bar, and cursed at the cops as they drove by. But you're fine.

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