Columbia says that they don't give athletic scholarships. And if you don't believe them, just go to one of our football games.

I watch Sportscenter a lot, and I get frustrated that Columbia teams are never on TV. Well, there was that one time that another school clinched against us. We were all so proud.

I work with the sports department of the Columbia radio station, which means I get to travel with the team to all the cool places they go. New Haven, Hanover, Providence. Yee-haw.

There's a commercial that's been playing during the NCAA Tournament telling college athletes not to gamble – except it's shot on Columbia's campus. Yeah, our football team had a FOUR-YEAR losing streak, and betting is our biggest problem. If you want to shoot an anti-gambling commercial, go to Arizona or UNLV. If you want to write a commercial telling student-athletes not to lose dozens of games in a row, give us a call.

The Columbia baseball team began the season 1-14, and the sad part is not their record. The sad part is that it's not considered so bad.

Like this column? Then buy the book!