So last week I left my current residence in Los Angeles to visit my hometown of Stamford, Connecticut. I felt a lot like Zach Braff in the film "Garden State", except I wasn't going home to New Jersey for a funeral, I didn't get to bang Natalie Portman, and there was not an awesome soundtrack playing the entire time, but you get the point.

When I was home for the weekend, I decided to go out to a local bar to have a few drinks and catch up with some friends who I grew up with. This always seems like such a good idea until you get to the bar and realize that you hate 96% of everyone you went to high school with and there is no way out.

When I first got to the bar, I didn't know what to do. There were so many people to talk to, but nothing to say. Most conversations went something like this:

Me: What up? How are you?
Person: Really drunk. I've been here since 6pm. You live in LA right?
Me: Yeah. You?
Person: Here. Do you know Ashton Kutcher?
Me: Cool. Well I'm going to pee.

I think that happened 35 times and I didn't pee once, but throughout the night I did become better friends with Ashton. I mean you don't talk to these people anymore for a reason. Maybe a few IM conversations here and there, but for the most part you grow apart. But when you come home and go out, you inevitably run into everyone from your past. I saw the hot girl I always wanted to have sex with, the ugly girl I did have sex with, and the gay kid who now wants to have sex with me.

I haven't seen these people, so all I can talk to them about is stuff we did the last time we hung out like, "hey what have you been up to since you pushed my face into the urinal at Stamford High? Oh your doctor? Well" I'm going to pee."

The best is when you see the one kid who was the biggest asshole and the all-star athlete who everyone thought was going to be on the Yankees but now he's 26, has a coke problem, and works at the local hardware store. That guy is hilarious! Especially because he still wears his high school baseball hat because, "he still might get drafted". I saw this ex-star athlete at the bar getting into a fight exactly like he would in high school. I just started laughing. Isn't there a point when fighting becomes no longer cool? Is it really cool to be 26 and punch someone in the face?

After high school, if you're still getting in fights and you're not a BOXER you're not really "cool", you're just a lunatic with a black eye who works at a hardware store. How can you sell a mailbox with a black eye? I don't know, but I do know I need to pee and I really want to bang Natalie Portman.

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