You know how some people like to bite their nails, and some people like to crack their knuckles? Well my vice is dressing up as a cat burglar and stealing important documents from television network buildings.

Last week I hit up Television City, the main office building for CBS and its subsidiary sister station UPN, and frankly I hit the mother lode. I was up to my neck in confidential documents and grabbed as much as I could, stuffing it into my trench coat pockets. It was only later on, at home, while sorting these documents that I
realized the importance of what I had just stolen.


We all know about CSI: Crime Scene Investigators, as well as CSI: Miami and the new CSI: New York, but these new CSI's will literally rock your socks off. By literally, of course I mean figuratively. But without further ado, here is a quick list and summary of these new CSI shows that will LITERALLY shock you to your very core (figuratively again).

CSI: ANTARCTICA- Thirteen episode mini season roll out plan effective January 1st. Initial episodes revolve around story line of missing glacier. Glacier will be found by episode 5 behind another glacier. The rest of the season will be dedicated to a penguin who loses her beak. Beak will be found by episode 13 behind the initial glacier. Place this show in timeslot behind Everybody Loves Raymond and watch ratings soar.

CSI: VANUATU- What happens when Survivor meets CSI? Seriously, what happens? Perhaps a gaffer will lose a necktie, or a mystery will unravel around Jeff Probst and the missing vowels in his last name. Vowels will be eventually found behind Antarctic glacier. Place CSI: Vanuatu behind Survivor: Vanuatu Thursday at 9/8c and position this night as the most Vanuatu-based night in television history. Watch ratings soar.

CSI: FALLUJA- There's nothing hotter right now than Iraq! Honestly, temperatures are reaching 145 degrees in the shade, and close to 10 million degrees on the sun. Pilot to feature mystery revolving case of a missing weapons of mass destruction. Will these weapons be found? Only time will tell. Hopefully series will send sooner rather than later, we're losing hundreds of potential viewers every month. Soldiers have Nielson TV ratings boxes too, you know!

CSI: THE MOON- "Moon" will instantly differentiate itself from the rest of the "earth based" CSI's. Commercials to feature brand essence statement : IF YOU THOUGHT CSI ON EARTH IS INTENSE, YOU AINT SEEN NOTHING YET! Find out who stole that flag Neil Armstrong put up there. Where did all these craters come from? Who stole the gravity!? Watch as detectives Julianna Margulies and Dylan McDermott (no relation) hop around in space suits and communicate using really muffled walkie-talkies. Sell walkie-talkies on website. Watch ratings soar.

CSI: Herman's Head- Remember Herman's Head? Well CBS recently bought the rights to use Herman's Head from FOX for 11 dollars and whatever was left of the sandwich they were eating during the meeting. The premise of Herman's Head was four people living within the mind of one man: Herman. The premise of CSI: Herman's Head revolves around mysteries that occur between these people that live within the human head. Perhaps "the sex drive" steals something from "the rational part." All right we never really saw Herman's head, we just ran out of places in the galaxy to hold these CSI's! Debuting behind CSI: Antarctica which debuts behind Everybody Loves Raymond. Expect carry-over ratings to hold through two time slots. Raymond is simply that hilarious.

That's it for now! Come back next week when I divulge FOX's all new TV LINEUP featuring MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS REALITY TV SERIES, and Beverly Hills 90210-3044: The Specific Zip Code Years.

Dean's got a new column out, so check that. Now hit up these hotlinks and have a wonderful Chrismukkah, you fool.