A lot of people assume that being funny is something terribly abstract; a notion so inexplicably existential that it cannot be tackled with words, but rather with a lifetime of pedagogy, and quasi-filmic experience. Okay great. Listen you guys, I was just trying to lose those idiots who see big words and stop reading. If you're still reading then I know you're fucking smart enough to understand what comedy is all about. Keep going. Okay great. I weeded out smarter people who think it isn't intelligent to use the "f-word" in an academic article. Now that I have no idiots or non-intellectual goons I can continue educating.

Tip #1 – Be Original: That means if your friendster profile says "In Five Years I will Be" FIVE YEARS OLDER!" then delete that. If the name on your birth certificate ends with Jr. then delete that too. If hair color is brown, shave it, if you're six feet four, grow an inch, and if you weigh 160, lose a few pounds. Talk loudly but say few words. And always, always carry your money in a roll (and yes, I mean a roll of bread, you fucking rookie.)

Tip #2 – Random isn't funny unless it's funny: A flying walrus jumps on a frog and the cow says MOO!!! That sentence wasn't funny because it was not rooted in any sort of reality. Why do you think I hate Adult Swim cartoons? Why do you think you should too? Because a talking fries and cola isn't funny, and a cow and chicken combined at the torso isn't funny and the fact that my ex-fiancee's new husband now runs the damn network and she calls me every day reminding me how much better off she is running off the day before our fucking wedding day" isn't funny. King of the Hill is boring.

Tip #3 – Know when to stop: Sometimes unfunny people make a good joke, but that fills them with confidence. And not the good type of confidence (type 1) but the bad kind (type 2). Type 2 confidence attacks your neurosensors and gives you the self-esteem necessary to make a series of unfunny, unoriginal, pointlessly random jokes after a rare gem. If you get a good laugh, best keep silent for the rest of the night. Then people will think you're funny but quiet, like James Dean. If you make a lot of crappy jokes people will just think you're unfunny and loud, like James Dean after he died.

Tip #4 – Fake it. : Some people can't be funny, but the least you can do is pretend. Here's a quick crash course:

You hate "Everybody loves Raymond", and thought "Anchorman" and "Napoleon Dynamite" were overrated pieces of shit movies. Your favorite TV shows are "Seinfeld", "Family Guy" and "Mr. Show." Your favorite book is MAD magazine, the funniest movie you've ever seen was Wet Hot American Summer, and your favorite MAD magazine is actually "Odysseus" by James Joyce. You make Tsunami jokes because they're insanely recent and OJ jokes because they're hilariously old, but never joke about AIDS and 9/11 because those jokes, while hilarious, are only for shock value. Also, no more jokes about "crack." Choose a new funny drug like "Maximum strength Bayer." Use the word "fag" only when it is random and obviously not derogatory. Calling your friend "gay" is not funny unless she's a girl, then its only kind of funny. If anybody asks you what the funniest joke in this article was, tell them it was the one about keeping your money in a roll of bread. Are you writing this down? Good, don't, it can be easily copied and pasted.

Tip #5 – Brevity is the soul of wit: Most people didn't read tip five because its way long. I don't blame them. Be short, rewort.

Tip #6 – It's not true that only guys can be funny. Girls can be funny too, they just choose to be pregnant sometimes instead.

Tip #7 – Only guys can be horribly unfunny.

Tip #8- Don't listen to naysayers: Much like artists, comedians are also unappreciated in their own time. The nature of comedy is that the dumbest jokes appeal to the most people. As I write this I know some people reading will hate this article and some people will love it. How can that be? They are reading the same exact words!

I'm sorry for alienating anybody over the course of this article, I try to be as modest as possible when writing anything humorous. As Dane Cook once said "Richard Pryor once said, "if people like you, they'll laugh at your jokes" and I try to live by the same idea" and I try to live by the same idea. And you can quote me on that.

1. CH writers who have new columns out include Matt and Mindy. Nanno Nanoo.

2. CH writers who have new books out today include Steve. Congrats, Steve.

3. If you're an OC fan, check out our friend Neel's (senior, Dartmouth) OC Review. Peace!