Even the Pope Whacks it. It was a Tuesday afternoon, so of course I was going online to look at Internet porn. But my Internet's homepage came on the screen with this huge picture of the new Pope starring at me because there was a news story saying he had just given a speech or something. And I started feeling a little guilty about wanting to go rub one out with Pope Benedict the 39h watching me. But then I realized that the pope is still a man; so he MUST whack it too. I started thinking that he probably does it a lot. At least once a day. Maybe he even has a holy nut rag made out of red satin or something. Then I started thinking, "Hey I could be Pope! I could do that." But then I realized that masturbating probably isn't the churches' #1 qualification for Popes. And I'm half Jewish.

Scientology. It's doing something right. Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes. Holy Shit! The guy is 42 and dating one of the hottest girls in the entire world. Before that he dated Penelope Cruz and Nicole Kidman. Scientology has never looked less dumb to me. I don't know anything about the religion other than it was created by some science fiction writing wacko on crack, but give me a pamphlet or some shit.

The World is Coming to an End. What other conclusion could possibly be reached when you consider that in the same few months the pope died, a tsunami killed 200,000 people, and 40 million people a week are watching American Idol. 40 million! I mean that's 200 times more than the number of people that died in the Tsunami. In other words, it would take 200 gigantic tsunamis to kill all of the people that watch American Idol! And I don't see that happening. So maybe the world isn't ending, but a lot of fucked up shit is happening.

Lindsey Lohan wins the "International Puking Olympics" over Mary-Kate Olsen. By most accounts the contest was neck in neck until Lindsey pulled out what spectators are calling a rainbow surprise that even scored a 9.3 with the harsh Irish judge. Mary Kate tried to mount a comeback against the less experienced but equally bulimic actress but couldn't choke up anything else other than a chap stick and some sperm. Better luck next year.

North Korea Wants to Test a Nuclear Weapon. Don't you think 50% of your population should have running water before your country is allowed to test a nuclear bomb? Just a thought.

I call first dibs on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's First Daughter. There's no joke here. I just want to put it in print. So back off!

Oprah is a White Man. Maybe it's just a theory, but just think about it" years ago, some rich white businessman got the idea to create a television personality that was a black woman with a fluctuating weight problem so that all women could relate to her and buy things she tells them to. Everyday he wakes up, puts on his ridiculous Oprah costume and goes to work to collect his 5 billion dollar paychecks. Then on the weekends, he parties with bikini clad 18-year-old girls. That bastard!