Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2005,

Don't get a job.

That's right, y'heard me. Don't work for a living. And not in that misguided socialism hippie-commune way, but don't get a job.

I'll explicate: jobs are for suckers. Heck, CollegeHumor came about because a few guys didn't want to do anything in their lives except look at breasts and beer pong tables. A noble undertaking, to be sure, but it's hardly landing on the moon. My point being: working hard for a living used to be cool, made popular by Protestants and Steinbeck novels. But just because your grandpa rocked an East of Eden t-shirt doesn't mean it's still cool.

Welcome to the New Economy. People don't so much "toil" for wages, they day-trade, or eat sushi while day-trading. If that's not your cup of tea, then drink tea while day-trading and eating sushi. The New Economy is all about choice.

If you're graduating from Law, Business, or Med School, then I'm not going to sugarcoat it – enjoy poverty. While you're eeking by on a paltry six-figures, Sergey Brin and Larry Page made this little project called Google, and now they're worth $Canada. They buy cars whose sole purpose is to drive their other cars. To put it delicately: they are better people than you.

The thing to remember about the New Economy is that everything is driven by make-believe. TimeWarner bought out AOL with stock, which is like the pretend-money currency of the land of Xanadu. Based on that, you should immediately start a company and call it something that sounds all technical-like. Something like "CompuTech" or "CorpoCorp." Then have your IPO and get rich. It's easy! If anyone asks what exactly you "do," just tell them you sell wishes. It worked for the Catholic Church.

Nowadays, everyone's an entrepreneur. You don't have to go to business school to be one, but you probably do to be able to spell the word. My suggestion: Just make a business card that says "John Smith, Enter Entrepe Entip Commander Awesome." Then demand they salute you. Business is all about perception.

The only other way I know to make a lot of money is to kidnap a rich person's child. Pros – Pays well, plus Health, Dental and Vision benefits, if you remember to put them in the ransom note. Cons – ex-Cons are great to hire to do the actual kidnapping for you. Just don't tell them about the 401(k) program you're getting as part of the ransom.

If you're not feeling a life of crime and flummery, then probably best to stick to the Old Economy. Get a job, work hard for a living, and climb the corporate ladder. With any luck, by the time you're fifty-five you'll have a little pension, a little family and all those baubles. And with any luck, I'll have hired people to build a cash-powered robot that laughs at you.

If you're a fan of Larry The Cable Guy AND were curious what his favorite TV shows of all time were, then have we got a treat for you!!

Enjoy these hotlinks and have a great Memorial Day weekend, folks.