Hey, Mike! We have to leave now.

Guy: What? In the middle of Kathryn’s eulogy?

Girl: You’ll never guess what she did. So listen to this: it turns out that her and Sebastian had this weird, sexually tense relationship, and at one point they had a bet going, and if he won the bet he got to f*** her…

Guy: What??

Girl: Well, okay so—they’re really just step-siblings. No one seems to realize that, but it’s kind of important to the story. Because now it’s not that weird for him, right?

Guy: I mean, I guess not. I don’t know if I can get over that though.

Girl: Well, just hang on a sec. Now the bet, and this is where it looks kind of bad on his part initially, is that he couldn’t f*** the headmaster’s daughter—but hear me out! He ends up falling in love with her, right? So it’s real sweet and all.

Guy: I guess so…

Girl: Oh okay so anyway, when Kathryn realized he didn’t want to f*** her, she got all in his head and made him think he didn’t really love Annette and that he loved her instead, so he dumped her and went for her, at which point she was all like “Oh hey, I made you dump the only girl you’ve ever loved” and then she wouldn’t even f*** him!

Guy: So we need to make a point of leaving in the middle of her eulogy because she didn’t follow through on some incestual bet?

Girl: Well, okay but it’s more complicated than that. Just come outside—someone made copies of his diary. It’s pretty much just records of his sexual escapades, but if you read through it a couple of times you can get a better feel of the timeline of how everything went down and all.

Guy: I dunno. Now it sounds kind of like he’s just as big a jerk in all this. I don’t think I have enough information to warrant just getting up—

Girl: She also slept with a black.

Guy: WHAT? Not in my town!