In the annals of humankind, April 12 will always carry with it remembrance of some of the most paramount triumphs of our society. It is the day on which in 1955, Dr. Jonas Salk’s miracle polio vaccine was made known to the world, and the shroud of fear cast upon the world by that horrible disease was torn away forever. Not much later on this date in 1961 did the people of earth avert their gaze to the heavens where cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to break earth’s bond and travel into outer space. Gagarin’s entry helped to usher in the era of moon timeshares and Martian internet brides that we all enjoy today.

Now in 2010, we stand at the threshold of a new era where our dreams and the dreams of our children will be fulfilled. An era imagined by our forefathers whose shear will and adroit powdered wig maintenance helped to build the greatest country in the world, the country of America! April 12, 2010 is the day the world will know the true power and the absolute ecstasy of an entity whose coming was foretold in ages past.

The KFC Double Down is truly mankind’s greatest accomplishment thus far. Its cousin the Famous Bowl was regarded as the seminal achievement of humanity not just because it allowed us to eat out of what can be regarded as a trough, but because it challenged us to dream. We stacked our mashed potatoes, our corn, our cheese, our popcorn chicken, and most importantly our gravy. We made not just an assortment of slop by which to occupy our face holes while watching the “Dancing with the Stars” results show. No, we built a mountain, a mountain on which our dreams and the dreams of all those who fled the scourge of tyranny in foreign lands to make America home can prosper. Ronald Reagan envisioned America as a shining city on a hill, but he’s dead, and hills are lame. The America we now envision is one where all can climb our chicken grease-covered mountain and grasp at the laurels of a new society free from bread’s oppressive hold.

Never before has the authority of bread, neither seeded nor regular, been so vehemently disregarded because bread is weak and chicken is strong! Just as Salk sought a world without polio and Gagarin sought a world without gravity, we seek a world where we can eat free from the fetters of unnecessary bread.

So, as we feast upon two pieces of fried chicken used to hold together processed cheese and bacon that probably came from a pig, we can maybe imagine what true victory feels like. As I stare intently into my Double Down, I’m reminded of J. Robert Oppenheimer, father of the atomic bomb. Upon realizing the true fruits of his labors he stood and said, “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”