Go Tarheels. Not the team, the horrific rare animals.

The only thing more satisfying than peeing in the pool is peeing into the pool.
-Willie Huff
Every toilet is a bidet if you're desperate.
-P. Kraft
She thinks she's my girlfriend, but it's really just a 146-night stand.
-Richy Arnold
I have enough meat on my body to feed me for the rest of my life.
-Lee Pederson
When I was a kid I used to dunk on a 7' hoop in my driveway and wait for an NBA scout to drive by and draft me. Unfortunately the chance of that happening was very slim; I lived in a culdesac.
-Adam Newman
Pick up line for girls with OCD
"That's a nice dress, but it would look a lot better folded neatly in a drawer"
-Zack Poche
Good Friday
Why do they call it Good Friday? For Jesus, even "Friday After Next" was a better Friday
-Josh Carter
Yo momma so old, she remembers when yo momma jokes were funny.
-Jack B
I find it rude when deaf people talk to me with their hands full.
-Ryan Manning