The Yoohoo to actual reading's chocolate milk.

The Newest "Lost" Mystery: What happened to Jack's balls?
-Patrick Cassels
I believe the bible is literally god's word and command, so I always skip celebrating Passover.
-Ian Pickus
My friend asked me if I wanted to do a line of coke the other day. I said, "No, I don't want to get too f*cked up tonight. Just give me a line segment."
-Tim MacKenzie
Jack Button
What if you mixed Robin Williams' character from 'Jack' and Brad Pitt in 'Benjamin Button', not to attempt to cure anything, but just to see how awful the movie that came out of it would be…
-Trevor T
Pleasant Surprise
All this time, I thought the movie "Monsters vs. Aliens" was a sequel to "Alien vs. Predator". Boy was I mistaken.
-Justin Gamble
If I had a nickel for every time I've had to apologize for running over your pets and burying them in your yard before you came home, I would have ten cents.
-Tyson Wiebe
I'm not an alcoholic; I'm just freelance quality assurance for the beer industry
-Ben Cox
I think it is ironic A-Rod was getting nasty with that octogenarian Madonna and he is the one who ends up throwing out his hip.
-Adam Mowery
I want to throw a communist party and have everyone get hammered. It would be sickle.
-Shawn Mg
Did you know…
That female praying mantises will eat their partner after mating? Which is why I only go to third base with praying mantises.
-Devin Wall
Since we already see the world in three dimensions, I started wearing 3-D glasses around so that I could see things in 6-D… The sixth dimension is blurry and discolored.
-Justin Hayden
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
-Chryseis Tvedt
Ivan Drago, Professional Billiard Player
"I must break you."
-Ryan Trott
Belgium Waffles: A small country's over compensation.
-Adam B