5 Easy Steps to Getting Your Best Friend's Gal

It's happened to everyone. Whether it's true love or simply boredom, you've found yourself lusting after the forbidden fruit of friendships, your buddy's girlfriend. Despite the fact that she's clearly out of his league (and better suited for, well, yours) there's nothing you can do about it, right? Wrong. Now in 5 easily swallowed chunks, how to get what you want and

look great doing it. Besides, some douchebag was eventually going to steal her, anyway. Why shouldn't that bag of douche be you?

Step 1: Operation Self-Destruct
Chances are that, given she's a woman, Princess feels like she's not getting the one-on-one attention she deserves. This is great for you. Not only will it taint her perception of the relationship, but will likely lead her to passive-aggressively destroy it from the inside out. No matter how much your friend likes her, he'll eventually begin to resent her neediness, making you look like a regular knight in shining armor. You can help this process along by encouraging your buddy out of the house and away from a potentially healthy relationship.

Step 2: Repeat after me. Subtlety, subtlety, subtlety.
Remember that old board game 'Don't Wake Daddy'? Well this is kind of like that- either can land you a midnight delight if you play your cards right or send you back to bed frustrated and lonely. You can't just take what you want; it has to come to you.

Most girls really just want someone who can give them understanding, attention, and affection. You obviously won't provide any of these things, but convincing her otherwise is simply a matter of employing some minor behavioral changes:

  • Look her directly in the eye when you speak to her. This shows her that you are a genuine, trustworthy, and attentive guy (Ha).
  • Smile when she says something interesting (she does that occasionally, right?) and try to address her directly in conversation.
  • Make a sincere effort to get to know her. Hell, you might even discover there's a reason things aren't working out between this vapid shell and her boy-toy.

Step 3: Ready, Aim, Fire
While your friends are out on the man-dates you've set up in step 1, you'll be conveniently available for Ms. Misery. Poise for the kill by updating your Facebook: "Josh is bummed he couldn't go out. Wish I had someone to talk to!" A little gh3y? Perhaps. But if steps 1 and 2 worked, you're on your way to becoming her go-to guy.

Step 4: Say Hello to Blue Balls
Around this time, you're probably going to start to feel a little impatient. But, hey, if this girl is good enough to ruin a friendship over, she must be worth the wait. Right? You can't rush a collapsing relationship. You have to poke carefully at the unstable foundation and, like a master Jenga player, wait for the blocks to fall as they may.

Step 5: Avoid the "Friend Zone"
Despite your worst intentions, your potential booty-call may begin to mistake you for (gasp!) a friend. Danger, Will Robinson! Under no circumstance do you want her to believe that you two have a 'relationship' that she could potentially 'ruin' by getting physical with you. Luckily for you, you are not a nice guy and, unless you're the lead role in a romantic comedy, you're not on your way to becoming one anytime soon. So step forward, good sir, and claim your prize.

Well, congratulations! You've managed to fabricate a relationship based entirely on false pretenses and empty promises. On the one hand, you've now doomed yourself to a perpetual cycle of self-loathing and loneliness. On the other hand, you're basically guaranteed yourself at least a week and a half of mind-blowing rebound sex. So clearly you've made the right decision.